Dear Diary,

made too many mistakes today. it feels like the more i think about calming down i panic more and make a lot of mistakes when doing major orders.

I had a callback from a job opening at a local fastfood. I thought to myself how am i supposed to handle fastfood if i cant even handle a single food stall. Then i whisper to the air "lord, if im not for this then why am i in here", at some point i answered myself back and said "well you wouldn't know because i wont tell you". 

this isnt a miracle. i talk to myself a lot, especially when im working. One time i think a customer saw me just whispering my frustrations to the air. Just letting the wind take them off of me i guess.

It's such a messy set-up, the one i found myself in. It's like forcing me to work my ass off for some reason. I work at least 10-12 hours a day, none of them are paid. All of them i do because they are expected of me. I even get to tutor my cousin, or if needed, 3 of them like what happened earlier today. I never get to complain. I don't want negativity to be burdening and ruining the resting time left for me. The social circle that is only active is my family's. While I'd rather bury myself in work than worry about everything else, I never admit to myself that I can get tired too. I just think it would ruin my momentum. 

Start working my ass off at 9am, closing the stall at 9 or 9:30 pm, then all of the cleaning of dishes and equipment, which would make me finish at about 10-10:30 pm. Then at night i would gather a small pile of dirty clothes, wash them by hand and let them dry outside, then sleep. Then it happens again and again. 

but it's crazy, the people ive talked to while working here. Complete strangers of different background. It's a very grounding experience. I go to the market every morning talking to the sellers ive entrusted the stocks to. They are very kind people. I came here not wanting any interaction from anyone. But now I realize it's the greetings. and the casual smiles that actually take the sacrifice and exhaustion away from me on a daily basis. I think it's this that keeps me going.