Dear Diary,
life is good. Except for the horrendously boring reading assignments in info 202. Everyday I try to take note of how I can better person than I was the last day. So far, I have noted the following things personality wise:
Talk more, be more open to conversations. I know you get tired with those easily, but be more energetic to meet people. You need it.
Invest in personal and professional relationships.
Don't assume anything, communicate everything.
Ask for help when you need it. Dont hesitate
Increase the pitch of your voice in certain situations to put others at ease. Some people feel you're naturally super serious. Nah, you just have a deeper voice compared to the average female pitch :/
Treat yourself awesomly: it's ok to travel alone, dine alone, enjoy museums alone. You dont need someone with you at all times to live life. Sometimes, the deepest introspective thoughts happen when you're at peace with yourself!
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Well, I dont want to make it sound like I'm a loner. I have been meeting people and making new friends. I have been thinking a lot about the concept of relationships. It certainly is easy to get into hi and bye conversations. But it takes a lot of time and commitment to nurture those conversations into lasting relationships, be it of any kind. The question is: how do you decide who you want to do it with? And do those people feel the same way about you?
Last day, I had a beautiful epiphany when I was having a coffee chat with siddharth and simon. It was a very interesting convo and we were all exchanging ideas,...Simon is wheel chair bound and physically has a tiny body even though he is an adult. But as the conversation progressed, his physicality disappeared more and more from my field of thought and at some point, it disappeared completely. I was still aware of his physical presence, but it was no longer an inhibiting factor in how I perceived him. He was just like any other person. And that felt beautiful. I could completely imagine myself being mesmerised by him, maybe even attracted to him. It felt so beautiful to realise that. That I am capable of such love. It is one thing to tell people, 'well, i dont care about looks of the person'. But there is always a tinge of self-doubt, am I saying that to boost my self-esteem or can I really be that person?
And yesterday I got my answer. Yes, I can. To appreciate a person for all the goodness they bring into the world, and be grateful to have them in my life.
A few others have also crossed paths in the last couple weeks. Kelle, the danish exchange student from the PM class, who is such a hottie in the conventional sense; tall, blonde and all that, but I totally missed to pick up the signs, so i think that ended there. I am kind of starting to feel that I have some self-esteem issues. I have been so holed up in my nerdy under-the-rock lifestyle, I cant for the love of god, wrap my head around the idea of someone being attracted to me. I can self-appreciate my qualities, but not someone else appreciating the same. Then there's raphel, the french exchange student and my housemate's friend who lived with us until he got a home (finally! phew). We have chemistry, and I did catch him glancing at me a bunch of times. He also sometimes comes up to me, and talks gibberish (i think he's trying to make jokes) ...but mostly i end up feeling wtf was he going on about after he leaves. I think he's a sensitive guy, and i certainly like him. But we should probably be just friends. He's emilie's friend, so that means he's going to be in and out a lot, and I dont want any awkwardness between us if things go south.
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I need to get better at scheduling my life. I feel like I'm drowning in things to do, and places to be at, papers to submit, people to meet, dishes to wash, and the list just goes on...
But overall, I'm optimistic about life.
It looks like this weekend, we're going to napa valley to taste wine. ^_^
Cya!