August 11, 2021, Cant sleep

Dear Diary,

I closed the laptop, not because u was feeling sleepy, but i felt some unsability in my vision, as if my mind signalling me to to take rest befire its late. 

I have been working for many hours these days, skow or fast i dont know but i am spending atleast 1213 hts on laptop. 

I keep having conflicts with sandeep yet keep working.

Now, i can't sleep, i am feeling slight vertigo, thought of shyam comes to my mind, like how real it is, like how soon it happened, how little gap between life and death. (I can't explain the feeling in words, but its just like me feeling so meaningless). I cannot really see how the way shyam died coube a parr of god's game plan, it looks so much like a random series of events leading to this. I feel if we could have done something else, takwn out shyam from there, could we save him, maybe yeah, maybe this isn't all god's plan. 

I looked myself into mirror, i feel so bizzare, like i ask myself, who i am? Wha am i? Is there a purpose? Am i a machine? What are the emotions? 

What is the thing, this interaction between humans? Why did i have this fight with sweety today? I mean i know the reason why it happened, but why it happens? Why we feel anything? 

Why am i missing sarita and why she probably doesn't and why does it boher me even if she doesn't. 

Most of the time i keep telling myself that its all gos's plan, but today i am thinking, is it really? 

I want to sleep and don't want to wake up, because in this world, i dont know anything and i am feeling so meaningless. 

I know ou'd be thinking that i am acting crazy again. Maybe i should think less and all, but i don't know, i dont want to keep doing meaningless things. 

You'd be thinking why i am always sad and acting like this, i want you to know that i am not always like this, its only that when i am feeling all loat like this, i write to ou, because i dont know, who else could understand any of this. 

I wonder if i ad a life partner sort of person in my life today, if i would feel better. I think maybe i would. But is not so easy... 

Lord Buddha, Give me peace.