Dear Diary,
I have to pay my parent's bills, I have to use my father's money, I already pay part of our bills (like phone and internets connection) and their medical expenses (they forget to refund me) and I can not sustain also this payments.
But I know that if I do so my father will freak out... For at least two days I will be accused of being a thief, I will told I'm stupid, useful, that I don't understand nothing, that I'm a failure, that I don't deserve nothing and that I'm not able of doing anything. I will be told that I'm not welcome in this house anymore. I will be scolded constantly for hours, because if he fixes on one idea he can go on for an incredible amount of hours. After a couple of day he forget and go to fix himself on another topic (probably always against me).
He could also throw things at me. And I can not react... Because he is old and sick... So I had to tollerate everything.
I never had anything to do with my father, we were like strangers, he never cares about me, even when he was normal he think of me like a money waist, he still holds me that ten years ago (when I was sixteen) he had to pay for my dental surgery...
When I was a teen I decided that I'll never told to him about my life, my problems and myself, I ever face my problem by myself. When I start to stay silent about everything (good and bad news about me) he started to find me enjoyable... And I started to silently hate him. He did not never realize at all that I stopped speaking with him... He never realized that our relationship was just he talking constantly about himself to me without reciving any kind of answers... He was just happy to talk about how amazing he was, how intelligent, capable and gifted he was. I was just a silent puppet. A spectator of my father's self-referential show.
When he get sick, I had to take the iniziative to run the house. And he start to hate me again with a new impetus due to the deseas. I would like to not do anything, but I can not let him doing his nonsense without control, especially during the pandemic... We have to pay the bills, we have to buy medications, we have to provide food.
The question is, why have I to assist him? What did he do for me except maintaining me and make me feeling guilty for the fact that I exist?
I'm so angry at the world that I'm scared of becoming violent... Even if I'm not a violent person.