July 25, 2021 I've not enough strength

Dear Diary,

Today I wake up with  petechiae without have taken any medication. This fact open a scenery in which this condition could be more serious respect to what it seemed before.

I really should take blood analysis, but I'm too tired, to depressed to go. Wake up early; drive my scooter with this heat; having some incapable nurse search for my vain, inserting the nidle two or three times, complaining because it takes time (as if it were my fault); then return to my home and cover the bruises with long sleeves (in order to not being mortified from my completely crazy parents) even if it's absolutely hot. Facing the discomfort of the risk of faint because of the heat added up to the blood loss...

Why should I? To obtain what? If it is a hypersensitivity the results is that I can't take painkillers and antypiretics anymore and my life will sucks forever; if it is an autoimmune disorder the result is that I will have to decide between having my life ruined from the disease or having it ruined from the cures, anyway my life will sucks forever;  if it is leukemia... Well... I'll probably just kill myself or let myself dying, onestly, my life is not enough enjoyable to justify the suffering of chemioterapy.

Why investigate further? If it's a bad disease I think I simply don't care, I don't want to know, if it is not it will pass from itself. Actually I feel well, it's just an exanthematous reaction, no pain, I think the best thing to do is just ignore it, put my head under the pillow and pretending not existing. 

At the and, whatever happens to me, no one care and my boyfriend probably will be happier without me. 

Actually, probably because of my depression, my only wish at the moment is to stay in bed all the time. Major depression it's a cronical mental illness, it will not go away (and if it do so, it will return). Why shouldn't I just surrender to it?