Hey baby,
It's been long right?
I've not written for long and I'm sorry.
Many things happened.
exams, breakdowns, pains, happiness. mess!
I've been busy lately, busy to the point I don't get time to overthink.
Overthink about my insecurities.
There were days I really had things and I wanted to tell you, but somehow I ended up on this never-ending tight schedule.
I've always wanted to be you know "the busy girl" so that I don't get time to overthink myself into a mess, but I think what I'm going through right now is toxic.
I don't get rest, I'm not happy when I do things, isn't it weird I wanted it to be like this but when it is, it's not how I thought it would feel.
Today, I took some time to read some of the entries.
They were intense, the pain, hate, and sufferings I could literally feel them. Some of them I know how it feels, hate<selfhate>!
I used to cut myself too but I've kinda abandoned it for 5 years I think.
But yesterday I did something I never thought I would.
I ended in a big fight with my mom, when I was a child, like in 5th or 6th grade I use to beat my parents back. But I've changed so I don't do it now, I regret it.
So, yesterday after the fight, I was angry, fvckn frustrated. I didn't have a channel to let them, to let those anger burnings within me.
I've got a new puppy at home, I love him.
He's got this heavy habit of biting as he's only growing.
Last night when he bit me I didn't stop him, I let him bite me.
He bit and bit and bit, the pain helped me reduce the anger. After some time when I checked I've completely got heavy marks all over my hands, so I changed into a full hand top.
I don't want him to be responsible for this, I did it not him.
Nd like that I did something I never thought I would do again.
SINKING INTO PAIN.
To some entries, I wanted to comment something; advice, consolement or anything, I wanted to help them a little bit if I could, but I wasn't able to comment.
The person I wanted to console is literally me, what right or worth do I have to console them. I don't know their pain, what they've gone through, what they are going through, So I left without inking my thoughts.
Something happened 2 days ago,
my first love, the one on whom I crushed for 4 years and at last was treated by like a whore
texted me.
I hate him, but I still like him.
He wanted us to get back together, on one condition he gets to meet me once a week.
I couldn't agree to that. I am not allowed to meet like that, I've got my restrictions. So I kinda declined though I really wanted to be with him.
Then he kinda got angry, then vanished.
No texts, no compliments.
What did he want us to get back for?
Why does he comes and goes back and forth?
Why?
I LOVE HIM AND I HATE IT.
Bye baby.
Q: Is it possible to completely let go of someone?