July 22, 2021 I can't get up


Dear Diary,

I'm losing interest in everything again. I was Ierning a new instrument and then I lost interest, I was lerning Esperanto and then I lost interest.

In 2018 I spent a whole year in bed because of depression, I was at university at the time, I just went from class to bed and from bed to class. My room was a totally mess, dirty and full of garbage. I also was a mess. No one of my family or friends seemed interested at my situation at the time, so I faced it totally alone.

I think I'm going in that direction again, my room is messy and I'm passing from the computer to bed, from bed to the computer. I just do what my parents need and than work, completely neglecting myself.

I think that my boyfriend was a deterrent for depression: he was used to call and control that I was awake, continuing to call if he noticed that I was neglecting myself asking "have you done that? Do you remember you have to do this?", staying at the phone until I finished what I had to do (wash my self, send curricula, send emails, text the doctor, etc.).

He was so insistent that I started to do things just to make him stop asking.

Well... It works.

Now he will pass some moths with his family, so he can't stay at the phone with me so often. I feel less controlled and I started to lie... I invent activity that I don't do, I say to him that I'm going to walk, that I whatch movies, that I call people but the truth is that I haven't even brushed my teeth, I did not do anything at all (except going to buy my parents medication).

I should have gone to the hospital for some blood analysis and then call a specialist. I didn't go. I don't have the strength, I just want to stay in bed. I'm pretty sure I'm not dying, and even if I am, who cares? So I simply did not wake up.

I hope my boyfriend forgotten this thing I have to do.

Anyway, why is he still with me? I'm such a pain in the ass! I suck at having sex, I'm ugly, I had to be controlled continuously to remain normal, I'm cold, I'm not outgoing, I'm stuck being a caregiver for my family. I don't understand: if he broke up with me, I wouldn't try to stop him. I mean: stay with me its like a death sentence, a dead end, so if my boyfriend, for witch I wish the best, want to brake up with me, I understand, I wouldn't hold him back and he knows. So, why is he still here?