what if we don't matter


Discretion: not a mental-health sensitive entry, this is mostly existential crisis, but if you personally are struggling, i hope you find the help you need. 

I think it's better if i lived without expectations, but it's an advantage to be prepared for the worst. No one will ever be prepared for the worst, I know, but at least when stuff happens I can say, I knew this would happen sometime. 

I noticed that a lot of what I do for myself and for the people around me are products of my tendencies to be people-pleasing or selfishness, either/or. It's always something that I control, and most of the time, It doesn't feel exhilarating, it doesn't feel like I'm living. I feel like the more I calculate my moves, the more people are scanning what I do. It's just an assumption but i feel tied down for some reason, like I'm putting this limitation on myself even if it's not supposed to be carried by me.

The burden gets me sinking a lot of times. I'm not worried if I fail on my own, I'm worried because if I fail, I have my responsibilities being neglected. While it is utopian for me to think about letting go of these responsibilities and just putting everything and everyone behind me to make myself grow, that decision is very selfish and isolating. Admittedly I work better when I'm alone, but how much more isolating can my life get? I don't talk to friends or anyone anymore. 

The talk about preparing for the worst- I worry about a lot. If I don't get to study this year what is my next plan, am I never going to college, and if i do what do i have to do to support myself and my mother. If my uncle and my mother's health both decline in the next months or years, my uncle will be forced to retire, which will be hard because he has 4 kids and 4 dogs, a house, and accumulating debt. His eldest child isn't even bound to go to college for the next 4-5 years. I will be the one going to have to support them by that time. I shouldn't fail. My Aunt is already so immersed in a lifestyle that is convenient for her. When she loses her husband not only is she going to be in debt, she will be supporting 4 children's education and their stomach, as well as a roof over their heads. Her own father and siblings are living under the same house too. I shouldn't fail. 

I know my mother's health is declining. She 's said it before, that she's dying. I know that too. 

I worry a lot. It feels like things are not going to get better. Turns out being selfish is not a good way out if I want to live a good life.

All of these are what I've projected is going to happen in the coming years, I know these are bound to happen. But I want to make myself believe that whatever I do it doesn't matter, because it makes me feel like it's common. It grounds and humbles me. When i'm not so special I feel like what I'm going through is not that heavy. It pressures me in a way when I tell myself I am precious and loved, it is narcissistic and isolating, as if putting myself and my hurt on a pedestal makes me different than others.

I want to find common ground. Live my day like I don't matter so I feel my life going on a day that isn't timed or estimated, but one that is free.