Dear Diary,
When I had to explaine to my friends why I have to use masks and respect social distancing I had to say to them that my parents are fragile.
I did not talk about their craziness, I did not talk about the fact that some of my brothers are assholes and don't help me at all. I just say to them that my parents are old, so I had to see people only outside, with masks and without touching each other in order to protect them.
My friends did not accept that, they initially said that it was ok, then they invited me and my boyfriend saying they would respect the rules.
I did not go, because something unexpected came up, my boyfriend did. When he arrived they putted off the masks, they started to smoke near him and also with the windows closed. Because of the risk of contagion me and my boyfriend couldn't see each other for days (at the and of the story he also get sick because of a similar situation and I did not, tanks to the method of quarantine and swabs we use to not infect itch others in case of contagion).
When my boyfriend told this to my friends, they start kinda bully me on WhatsApp groups. I was in smart working at the time, so I did not read the messages at the moment, any way, I'm too old to this shit, so when I watched at the phone I simply decided to ignore the people who were insulting me, live the group and maintain the contact with the people who weren't attacking me. But my boyfriend started to replay defending me.
Then they started to insult him because he was speaking instead of me, like a puppy dog who defends the owner.
Finally I lost my temper. I can be very mean if I want to. And I was in anger. My situation sucks and this fucking idiot were judging me without having any idea about what I was going through.
I was closed with my father with dementia and with my mother with a big illness; I was working from home with them shouting continuously for a ridiculous salary; everything about my home and my parents (burocracy, cleaning, food and provision) was my responsibility; I discovered that one of my brothers is crazy. And this idiots were insulting me and my boyfriend for what? Because I ask them to wear masks? Seriously?
So, I annihilated them.
I rarely react, I just swallow my bad feelings and stay quiet, I'm totally repressed. People think that I'm to docile to react, I'm not. I just know that if I react I really can hurt people because they trust me (they really should not) and I know a lot of things about anyone. I was bullied so I know how to humiliate people who think to overwhelm me, also my parents are so bad with me that I'm not afraid about the badness of strangers.
I simply pointed out that theirs opinion about my necessity of following the rules of social distancing were meaningless to me; that my boyfriend is absolutely not a puppy dog, he was just trying to defend me because they where attacking me without a real reason and that I wasn't answer because I was working.
After that, I write publicly on the group al the confidences that people who where attacking me had told me earlier. This destroy the group (and also a couple of pairs).
This cost me the total isolation. I were right, but I would be better just slide out of the group maintaining in touch with the people who where not attacking me. This public exploits moved away from me also the good people in there, because now they are scared about my about-face.
But... What was I supposed to do? My boyfriend was wrong defending me, he just should have called me and decide with me what to do or simply let me fight my own battle in my own way and alone. But his reaction was comprehensible and sweet, so I also had to react. Puppy dog... How dare they?!
Anyway, at the and of the game, I was isolated, not only physically because of the pandemic, but also without no one to talk, to call at the phone except for my boyfriend. The pandemic erased also the possibility of making new friendships. It's more then a year that I have no possibilities to talk with someone...
I feel really empty.