Dear Diary,
My boyfriend left this morning. Even if this situation has advantages (two: I don't have to tolerate sex and I'm less exposed to delta variant), I feel lonely.
I was diagnosed with major depression four years ago, but no one know this. Only my boyfriend and my bestfriend are aware of this diagnosis. I keep it secret because this kind of things scares people, it also scares me: I hate my parents and one of my brothers because they also developed mental illness and ruin my life, I'm terrified of becoming like them and ruin other people's life.
So I try to keep this disorder as repressed as I can. I never talk about what's in my mind, I never express cynical opinions, I never express hate (even if I'm full of hate), I just listen to people without talking about myself and if I have crisis I go to hide so no one can see me.
I also never talk about my family situation. Never. So, if you meet me outside, you'll think I'm pleasant, kind and nice.
Before the pandemic, even if I was already a miserable person, my family situation was less severe, and I was developing a lot of social skills (even if they were all false) so I was always the nice friend, the favorite colleague, the ugly but funny one, the one who makes smart jokes.
So, even if I was totally depressed, I seemed interesting: I was used to go to theatre, to opera, to cinema, to attend big events and parties, I had three jobs and one was in the production of live events, I studied music and cinema, theatre and dance history, I have read a lot of books and comics, so I was able to interest people in conversation.
It was all fake: my jobs was all underpaid, I went to all this events and cinema because I was allowed to enter without paying, I've read all that books because when I was young I was a disturbed child, and I know a lot of vips because I worked as production assistant (I was the slave who brings them coffee).
But I had a lot of friends.
The pandemic erased all. No more cinema, no more theatre, no more operas, no more concerts and parties, no more jobs. Just me and my parents who are totally dependent from me.