Dear Diary,
I'm going into paranoia. I have the sensation that my boyfriend was not as careful as he told me. I'm scared about delta variant. I'm scare to get sick. I'm scared also about him to get sick for the second time.
My parents are vaccinated now, but I'm just half vaccinated, if I get sick, what I should do?
Wher to send my parents to save them? Who will take care of them while I'm sick?
My brother will not help me, he will blame me.
I can't take antipyretics, if I get sick, how can they cure me?
If I will become handicapped for long covid, who will take care of me if my parents are both handicapped?
If I get covid I hope I die fast.
My boyfriend is also about to return in his region, this means that if something happened to me or to my parents there is no one nearest than 200km who can help me.
One of my most big desires is to have to take care only about myself, just take my analysis without having to hide the bruises because of my crazy parents who mortify me anytime I have problems. I'd like to be scared about my own contagion only because of me, not because if I get sick my family will overwhelm me or because if I get sick I could infect my parents too.
Anyway, why am so concerned about my parent's health if they consider me less then zero? I'm the only daughter that help them...
I was thinking about the hypersensitivity to fans and antipyrethics I'm developing. What if I'll take a whole pack of pills, will it kill me? If the medications causes me bruises in small doses, can a whole pack cause an aneurysms or a thrombosis? Is that painful? It's possible to survive with permanent damages?
I'm so scared of surviving and face the consequences that I do not have courage to try to die. I'm a coward. And also my boyfriend don't deserve such a trauma. Probably I should break with him, but it's the only person who stays ever by my side, actually I don't know why. Probably I should protect him from myself and find the courage to cut my last link.
Anyway, I have to take another analysis to be sure that this petechiae and bruises are just hypersensitivity to pills and to exclude leukemia and autoimmune disorders. I'm pretty sure that it is "just" hypersensitivity, just because I don't have other symptoms: except my mind falling apart, I'm pretty healthy. I'm just a bit too fat.
But if I'm wrong? God... How will my patent react? It would be a nightmare without the possibility of waking up, like the pandemic. And I will face the same problems that I would face if I get covid. Maybe... Can a thing like that give me the courage to take the initiative and stop all this shit?
Anyway, I'm going paranoid also about the analysis even if I do not have to concern about it. It's just an analysis to avoid any doubt.
God, I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm stucked, I'm alone. I'm totally, emotionally and, most of all, geographically alone.