good enough

Dear Diary,

I can't sit down and rest- I know that I didn't earn it. I can't splurge on a new pair of slippers even though my old pair is already loose and torn up, because I don't feel like it's worth it. I scroll online to buy dog food but my cash isn't enough, I thought about loaning some cash but I know I can't afford paying it back.

I prayed for a long time to have a job, even though I earn some amount each day, plus I am in training for a web design course, plus  waiting to be trained for an insurance company, I don't think what I do is enough. I don't know what good enough really means to me. I have no idea why I feel too impatient. I always have to move or else I feel guilty or ashamed. I don't know who set up the bar too high for me. I don't know why I feel like I always have to do good and which burden am I carrying that I shouldn't be carrying in the first place.

I know I have a direction and maybe I am just overthinking this, but it just is, not enough. The question I ask myself is that, when will it ever really be enough? Is it because I'm trying to fill a void? Is this some kind of trauma? I don't get it. Day and night I push myself, as if it's embarrassing, get your ass up and do something, at least. 

I don't have a job so maybe it's because I am fully aware that I am a burden. But even if I try my best whenever, I can't even give myself some credit. It is hard.