Dear Diary,
It's been a long time I wrote to you, a lot has changed. I am focused a lot in my career, I am really working hard.
I do want to add more things in my routine, like exercise and self care. But it's still good enough to give me peace. There is this guy V, who had asked me out, he is also doing Pg with me, I kinda liked him, but I am not that much into him yet. Yesterday he got a package of 40lpa in Dubai, so he might shift there. He already earns around 30lpa , but in India there is lot of tax deduction and stuff so inhand salary gets low. Though I don't trust him a lot yet. Maybe if we ever meet, I might think of getting serious.
2ndly there was one guy I had talked to before uninstalling my JeevanSathi account, and he seemed nice at first, but after 1 conversation I realised he doesn't have common sense. So, I cancelled him.
Seems, I will be single for a long time, and it makes me happy, I really want to stay single for sometime now. Even though at first being 27, I felt I am getting old. Then there is a pandemic so I am not able to socialize also.
But after what happened with AM and the depression I went through while dating him. Someone who would just do the bare minimum, and not show any interest in me and not let me go also.
Though I still dream of him, in my dreams I am still in love with him, and he also is with me, the kind of person I thought he would be at first. It's actually sad.
I have done a lot of introspecting, I realised I have way too many flaws. I have low self esteem, very low standards, I am over emotional, I feel I don't deserve happiness in life. All this issues are mostly related to past traumas. Also I believed my best friend AD way too much I took all her advice. Realised she doesn't know any better. I am angry on her still, why did she force me to date AM. Why did she say all those things.
After introspecting I realised I needed to find the solution for those problems as well. I realised it's ok to take advice, but from right people , so I have from my mind officially discarded ADs status as best friend. We were best friends for 10 years btw. 2ndly just avoid taking advice. Before coming in relationship, I might ask for advice, but once I am in relationship, don't take advice. Then, never discuss any personal stuff with AD, she is so pushy, she will try to manipulate me. Though, her intentions are not bad.
2ndly for having low self esteem, well I think I didn't have this problem earlier, it's mainly after the Delhi incident, but yes, I think, I am finally able to get back to normal after a lot of thinking. I decided to stop opening my heart and feeling so emotional. And I guess I will not have this issue any more.
3rdly, for low standards, I think it's funny how low my standards are. No wonder people judged me. I would have settled for anyone I was so desperate, someone may be dumb as a rock, lack personality, lack character, not do bare minimum for me, I was ready to settle for low. Now I will not do that, I will make sure the person is a good guy, even though I did the same thing in college life and it turned out he was impotent and kept me in dark for 3 years. I might have even married him. The problem then was, I only looked for a good person, I should have also looked for someone with common sense, which he lacked. So basically a good person, with common sense who cares.
Lastly, I don't think I will ever get happiness from a relationship, but I know I do deserve happiness, like everyone does. I am finding happiness in work , friends and family. I will try finding my happiness in them.
Only thing is my fear, of getting upset again, because I have been sad for so long, I have thought to believe from now on , those things never happened with me. I would not forget then, but I don't want to acknowledge all the shit I have went through anymore. And feel like a normal person again.