May 29, 2021


Dear Diary, ok here we go! Sorry for the absence, but I'm drowning in Uni work right now. Everything has piled up and I want to get that stuff off my table as soon as possible. I got some good work done today but there is still a lot to go. Online Uni freaking sucks

Well, today is going to be a couple of little vignette stories from the last few weeks. And as usual most of them a re about girls as usual. Hope you don't mind.

First off I actually got a match on Bumble 2 weeks ago. And with match I mean a real match who actually talks to me. But before you come to the wrong conclusions, nope it's not going to lead to anything. The first few days we talked pretty extensively, she is studying biology isn't very into sports and is actually just a normal girl who you can talk normally too, which is surprisingly rare. But I soon noticed that something was up and through some questions (I wanted to meet or zoom with her) she told me what it was about. She has cancer and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. So she as no hair right now  which is why she doesn't want to zoom. I think I handled it pretty well and didn't make her feel like I didn't want to talk to her anymore because of the illness. To be honest I really don't care, although I don't want her to die of course. So we talked normally after that. It's just really hard to keep up a chat only conversation over a long time with someone you don't know that well and in the last week it fizzled out. I tried to strike up a conversation a few times, but it didn't work that well. Understandably she doesn't want a relationship right now so it wouldn't have led to anything anyway I think. She said that she is really picky when it comes to relationships too. No idea if that was it now or if we will stay in contact. I hope I could take her mind off things for a while at least.

Next story: So that female friend I have talked here a bunch of times can be a bit crazy it turns out. First she argues with a guy on my discord about transgender (I don't know what it is with that subject,  belle argued about that too) Her view was basically that trans people shouldn't care that much about pronouns and stuff because they should define themselves internally and not through these external means. Not entirely my opinion, but a fine thing to argue. Just the was she delivered it was very patronizing to the (queer) guy she was arguing with. She argued that she herself kind of identifies with a lot of male traits and this is her way of dealing with it and she doesn't understand why people aren't just doing the same thing. She kept mentioning her intellectual superiority too. I thought it was very immature of her. Also she called the guy feminine in a bad way for opting out of the conversation. She really isn't that kind of person in real life but it's one of these sitiations where online discussions bring out the worst in people I think. I told her my view too (cautiously) and she was open for criticism too.

And the next thing happened when we talked about vaccinations. Here in Germany you need some sort of priorization right now to be eligible for a vaccination, because we don't have enough vaccines for everybody yet. I'm actually in group 3 because of my work  but i still haven't gotten my date yet. The situation has created a bit of envy in some people who want to be vaccinated as soon as possible. That friend was a bit likr that too. So she proposed that ludicrous plan to me where she gets pregnant so she can get the vaccine and then she has an abortion (She is very vocal about not wanting children) At first I thought it was a joke. I still hope it was one, but she sounded pretty serious. She said she even proposed it to her boyfriend but he declined. And she thought that it would be a kind of female empowerment to use that usually detrimental fear of getting pregnant for something useful.

I'm very pro-abortion but doing it for something so selfish seems very unethical to me. Like I said I hope it was a joke. And maybe it is just my usual mindset of analyzing girls behaviour, bit I kept having the impression that this was some kind of weird way of flirting. Like she was saying "My boyfriend won't do it, will you help me?" That probably isn't true at all, but she does feel a bit clingy to me sometimes. Maybe they are in some kind of open relationship? I don't think I'm interested in participating in something like that though. My goal has always been a relationship, by which I mean a monogamous one. Like I said it's probably nothing, I just thought it might be an explanation for this weird suggestion. By the way she got her first vaccine shot now by saying she is a close contact to her boyfriends grandma. That should hopefully put that plan to rest.

Next Girl: Knight. She had one of her talkative phases recently again. So we chatted more the last week or so. One noteworthy thing is that I finally talked a bit with her about her shipping / yaoi interest. She changed her twitter bio recently to say 24 Waiting for Macdennis to be canon. This is her real. age again. And Mac and Dennis are characters from Always sunny. I don't really watch the show but have seen some episodes and memes.

So since she has put that so publicly I decided to finally ask her about it, because I want our conversations tp be about stuff she actually cares about. And I don't mind talking about shipping at all. It took a lot of courage, but I asked her how likely the ship would happen. I felt like a freaking dad who asks his kid about a new trend he knows nothing about. It took her 20 ninutes to reply and I thought she would just ignore it, maybe she was shocked I don't know. But then she said that it was 50:50 since one of them is already gay. We preceded to talk more abou the show than the ship, but that was fine. I hope she knows now that I don't mind her talking about that.

Next I wanted to briefly talk about a male friend. It's not much, because well guys aren't that crazy. Joking 😉Sorry for the sexism. Well basically we want to meet again and he suggested playing a bionicle PC game from 2003. If you don't know they are lego action figures that were popular at the time. I had one too but wasn't very into them. Lego just wasn't my thing. But my friend still loves them. Lucky for him I'm exactly the kind of guy who would play that with him. I love playing old games. As a licensed game it's probably janky as hell, but I think it will be fun to riff about it. We also want to play the new Mario Golf game. We are really into golf games mainly because they are so absurd. Playing such a high society sport as two nerdy 20 somethings and with Mario  is exactly the kind of dumb fun we like.

On another note I think I found what has caused my low libido for the past year or two. I think it really is stress. I stressed so much about being social before corona and then about uni and everything that I think my body is producing too much adrenaline or something and my muscles are pretty cramped up down there. But last week I tried meditating and going to bed early really focusing on calming down. Also I relaxed my muscles the last few weeks, which was a surprisingly lenghty process. I've been tense for a while I think. But last week I really noticed a difference, especially that dsy I really managed to calm down. I was really horny to say it bluntly. It felt so good to have fun masturbating again. Since then it has gone down a little again. I still have stress because of the texts I have to write so I can't calm down usually before going to sleep. But when I'm done I think I can get to normal again. Of course that makes me stress even more 😅 A few days ago I had a haircut that turned out to be a bit short too. I had so mich anxiety that girls won't like me because of it or think my forehead is too big. I still have a long way to go.

But it's such a relief that my sexuality is still there, I really thought I had lost it forever before I even found a girlfriend. But now there is hope.

And with that I will say goodbye again.

Wish you all the best!