Dear Y****,
After sending you my diary yesterday, suddenly we pretend that all the dramas 2 days ago never happened. I am still hurt but I just keep it inside. I think no matter how much I told you about my feelings, you will never understand. That's fine. I will endure it as much as I can. But I think in 2 or 3 months later I will explode again. Haih. I know it is very risky to love someone that is much older than me. I mean, we are 18 years apart. Of course you will enjoy life first before me. You have seen the world more than me. You have experienced love before me. Sometimes I feel that it is unfair because at my age, I also want to enjoy life too before I am married. But if we are not getting married, I feel that it is indecent to go anywhere together. I can't imagine myself getting married in 2 or 3 years in the future because I feel like I will be forever 16 years old. I don't know. It is like I am in the denial phase. I think I love you but I am denying it again and again. I feel so confused about what should I do now. I won't let it affect my grades. Now I feel that long distance is so hard. It makes me feel very jealous of your x because she can enjoy the time with you when I can't. Everything feel so hard. Do you still think that we are each other's soulmates when the only thing we can do is through the stupid online thing?