Today I was perfect, wasn't quite/silent until lunch....
I just cannot understand how it happens so dramatically. I totally get so quiet. I was fucking talking pretty decently one moment and here j am silent as fuck again. What exactly happens when we are in groups of 4 or more? What the hell is this mystery.
One reason is quite simple. I know that I am constantly self aware and think what other people are thinking right now but this becomes 10 times more strong when I am with someone who I love.
I can understand the pattern now. I clearly could talk with her when I had no feelings for her. She was just like some other girl who I don't care what she is thinking about me. But when i start paying Loving someone i notice every single thing about them and how their behavior is changing towards me. Even minor change bothers me and make me feel worse about myself. I feel terrible that how can I deserve such a beautiful soul when I am simply Nothing compared to them. What kind of love is that I am afraid of being loved.
Do I not deserve it or is it just all in my mind.
I am mad or what I seriously need a therapist.