Dear Diary,
Growing up, I never realized how horrible of a Mom, my mother is. Her mean ways were always sugarcoated with the "I brought you into the world", "I'm your mother", and "I've done so much for you" crap. Newsflash, to the mothers out there. Just because you take care of your child does not mean you can treat us in any way you like. I hadn't realized that until today, March 31st, 2021. Today was the day I snapped.
Before I get to how I snapped, I have to tell you what we were arguing about. My mom and I were arguing about her favourite topic that pops up every week. The argument about me still in college at 23, and how everybody's children are graduating college. Keep in mind that I had a semester of college left, but I could not get back to college due to borders being closed and the classes are face to face now. So I'm at a standstill right now with my education. Therefore, I am doing online classes for something that pertains to my degree until I can get back.
Daily, she constantly tells me how I'm a disappointment. She compares me to other peoples children and it hurts my feelings. I am so tired of hearing it, especially when she shouts and calls me a dunce, stupid, tells me she wish I was gone or that I need to work. Just because she feels like I'm a waste of her time. Don't worry, I'll have the same energy when I check her into an elderly home in the future.
Today, she argued with me about the same thing as soon as she walked into the door because I made a joke about how I am tired of the online class. She started shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs. I'm sure the neighbours could have probably heard her. Then she went to her room, and came back to my room and started arguing with me. She said, if I don't pass the online class then I'll have to come up with my own ticket money and tuition money when I'm able to get back to college or work because she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. Then she started cursing at me and doing her typical comparing and saying I better not waste her money. Keep in mind that I pass my classes, however, not every course is offered for my degree every semester so it keeps me back a bit. She wouldn't leave my room and stood by the door arguing and shouting, over and over.
This was when I snapped, I got up out of the bed to lunge at her and attack her. I wanted to punch the hell out of her. It's like I got an adrenaline rush due to anger that built up over all the years. I never felt this way before but I guess I was at my breaking point. I felt like I didn't have anything to lose, when in fact I do. She pushed me to my limit and yes it took a long time but I was finally there. When I got up I realized that I needed to sit down and cool off because it clicked to me that I was going to hit my Mother. That's not something I normally do and that shocked me.
When I sat down, I realized what I was going to do and I was ashamed. So I told her to get out of my room because I was afraid that I would attempt to do it again. She got angry, cursed at me and tried to break the door off the hinges. She said "This is my room and my door. I can do what the f*ck I want with it so don't tell me to get out." I never understood how people snapped on the murder shows, but now I understand. I'm not saying that I agree with what they've done but I'm saying anyone can snap if your mental health or emotional health is not well.
I think living in this house with my Mom, my emotional health is not the best. She constantly bullies me every day. About my hair, my weight, my life, the guys I date and many more. She makes it hard for me to even want to be around her or want to have a relationship with her. I already made my mind up to never see her again after I graduate college because I am tired of her. Sometimes, out of the blue, I feel like I should move out, even though I have nothing. I would rather be broke and homeless than living with her. Sometimes I randomly feel like saving up enough money and running away and leaving a letter stating why I left so she can regret the way she treated me growing up. All the things she did to me growing up, I can make a book.
The thing that baffles me is that parents always say the bible says "Honour thy father and mother so your days will be long." but forget that the bible also says "Do not provoke your child to anger by the way you treat them." All my mother does is provoke me to anger. Every day of my life.