Dear Diary,
life is always terrifying when its past midnight. I find myself wide awake and the earliest i get to rest is at 3 am. Adulthood sucks, i can confirm that much.
A lot has been happening and people are dying, I find myself zooming in and out of my life and scanning all of the bad and good decisions, then seconds after, I jump to think about my future, and how i dont want to be such a failure in life. I think to myself I have so much potential, I hope i never sell myself short. I think about my mom and the thought that shes not with me right now. Before she moved out I always thought about how much i wanted a space to myself and become totally independent. Turns out its harder than i thought; guess you never get to appreciate something unless its not around you anymore.
Im scared of my life, a lot. I never get to talk to people a lot and just a few minutes ago I thought to myself I shouldnt bother wondering how i feel like no one around or gives a fuck about me. Its because ive taken them for granted first, all of them. My friends, my mom, in fact, my mom even manages to ask me for how many times if i have eaten yet within a day, yet i still manage to be rude to her.
I remember the time when i promised myself i will teach myself how to be selfish. Because i guess it seemed like selfish people never hurt. Its as if they got it all figured out. But the reality is i tried my best and i still get hurt to this day. Much worse, ive hurt people by it. I wish i wasnt as entitled and arrogant of a person; come to think of it this is one of the few times when i really blamed myself for anything wrong.
it takes me too long to realize my mistakes and its sad that i take too long to learn from them as well. Im a very stubborn person and i hate listening to authority. I used to look at everyone as pathetic for getting themselves into some mess, but as i look at myself now, i find myself in situations and messes i didnt even create for myself; and its so hard to get out of them.
i thought i was mature enough for my age, but in reality i was the childish one.