It’s been over a month since this started. I’ve allowed less than 300 calories a day that I don’t throw up. I’ve lost over 10 -15 lbs. but that’s what the scale says. The more weight I lose, the fatter I look to myself. Problem areas are appearing more now that I’m losing weight. My back was fat now I see the bones. Now my legs are the main problem and my arms need to be bonier.
This changed me. I’m not the same person, I don’t feel the same. I don’t like how I feel now but I hated the person I was before so maybe this is better even though sometimes I feel so alone and sometimes I want to disappear.
I pick up extra days at work to pay for my food shopping and also so I’m not alone because then I’m stuck with just myself and I hate myself still. I need a complete change. At first when I started this, I did feel better and like a new and better person. I was kinder on the outside and nothing could hurt me. Now I don’t know.
I push people away. It doesn’t take long to lose friends, even good ones. I know they’re better off without me in their lives. I stopped texting them and that’s all it took but a few good friends I had to kind of tell them to leave me alone, I don’t want to be friends anymore. Now it’s just people at work who wonder about my weight loss but I’m wearing a sweatshirt jacket over my uniform now, so it’s harder to notice. I’ll just keep adding layers.
Oh about work. So the one friend I told there that I throw up what I eat told someone else. That person she told must think I’m so disgusting. I think I am. I can’t really look either of them in the eye again. I’m so ashamed. Except when I was driving today and had nothing in my stomach, I felt almost proud of myself and felt powerful kind of. So I don’t know how I’m ashamed but feel that way too.
Right now I’m drinking a bouillon cube. 45 calories. I’m not going to drink it all. I drink this for the sodium, because it raises my blood pressure so I’m not as lightheaded and shaky. I’m also having 1/3 an orange. I can’t throw up fruit because it really really hurts my throat afterwards, but the sugar in it makes me feel guilty. Apples and bananas are not safe to eat anymore. Just oranges, grapefruit, and berries.
There is one psychiatrist at work I would talk to if I wanted to get help but then it would be awkward to see him there while working if I told him all this. I’m also sort of attracted to him.
I jogged this morning for 45 minutes. But when I was done and changing my clothes, my body looked fatter than ever.
I don’t know how long I can stand these constant thoughts about food and fat and throwing up. I still don’t know how people live years like this. Maybe they take breaks. I can’t and I don’t think I want to.
I can’t drink more than 1/4 of my broth. I just don’t want it inside me. I want my stomach empty and flat and for whatever reason it’s like nothing touches me then. Nothing can bother me, nothing can hurt me, nothing can get inside who I am and change me to a horrible person. If any of that makes sense.
So today I had this 1/3 orange and some broth, I’ll eat an egg white later. Whatever else I eat I’ll just throw up. That’s been my diet most of the time. Either egg white or boiled skinless chicken I try to keep down for protein. The orange I had for some sugar. Those are all the essentials I need. Oh and calcium, I eat tums for that.
I’m going to try and think positive about life because I haven’t been lately. I want to keep doing what I’m doing but not feel so sad.