March 22, 2021 (1st public)

They say I'm avoiding tasks
I guess they're right
Maybe I am
All I know is that I am so tired
And I have been for a couple of days now
I can't seem to focus
Nor acquire the energy that is needed for what I have to do 


I have begun breathing exercise
I decelerate my breath and hold it .. until I feel okay...or what seems to feel like it
I hear my heartbeat so distinctly when I do

Is it because my chest is hollow?

Is it because I can finally focus?
Is it because I am concentrating and can now hear it clearly?

I like to be happy..contented.

I like to make people feel happy..better, about whatever was bothering them

Tho recently  I lost a friend

Trying to keep my relationship

I still think of her, platonically of course...now anyway

I miss her... or maybe it's the relationship I had with her, I long for it again

I miss our little talks, memes we shared

Our happy and cute interactions, the nostalgic memories we shared

But she ill-treated my partner 

And it wasn't right of her

I must side with my partner, and so I did

It was simply my duty

I was once doubtful of her love 
Never again.

Because now I know it is true

And I must stay true to her now

Maybe it was downright manipulative of my partner to illustrate how much they have done for me and demonstrate how much they have given up for me 

But I doo truly love them
or so I think I do o-o

But none the less,
I am yet still exhausted

Exhausted of the nothingness
That I float around in
Exhausted of everything
That comes and goes
Enduring chaos
Exhausted of everything and nothing
And all things in between

Exhausted of Fu**ing living

Too tired to live a happy, carefree life 
Yet too important to die, guess it's a vicious cycle.