March 19, 2021


Dear Diary, I haven't written anything in a while, mostly because nothing really happens in my life anymore. Since Belle and I had our falling out, I have only left the house for normal shopping and some walks. We have had no contact for more than 2 months now. I really enjoyed the year we spent together, but it was probably not meant to last. In some ways she was awesome and I had a crush on her, but her bad sides meant that even if she was into me it wouldn't have worked.

Right now I'm writing a paper that I hope will turn out well. I'm really torturing myself with it, because it's not the usual style of paper you do at university and I'm not used to it. And I have other stuff to write after that too. I really want to be done already. It doesn't help that one some days when my lonelines gets bad and I think avout how I will never have a relationship and all that, I can't write at all. Then I just sit there, listen to anime music or watch some nice asmr girl.

I'm also trying to lose weight. Not that I'm overweight, but I want my belly to be flatter. I feel like if I was more of a lean guy maybe girls would like me more. It's probably not going to make much of a difference and it's not like any girls can see me in the current situation, but I have to do something. So I eat a lot less now, basically one meal a day plus a bit of fruit. And I only drink water, but that is normal for me. I've been doing it for a week now and I think I already see a difference. I don't have a scale, but I care more about how I look than how much I weigh anyway.

I also talked more to that friend I mentioned. She has to write the same thing as me and she is also struggling so that is reassuring. And she is trying to get me into metal. She and her boyfriend are even making me a playlist of songs I might like, which is super nice of them. I listened to some metal before, but I never really developed a sophisticated taste of specific music I like. I do like metal as a genre though, I'm curious what they pick.

Of course I immediately thought about how I could maybe find a girlfriend on a metal concert, and I've been fantasizing about that a lot. Maybe she would be a small girl, so she couldn't see the bands well, so she would ask me to take her on my shoulders and then things would develop from there. That would be so nice. 

Well thats it for now, bye everyone!