March 05, 2021,

Dear Diary,

I am feeling so discomforting right now, like a sense of uneasyness. 

I can't sleep.

Knowing that Nani is there feeling all lonely, I feel so helpless, I can't go and stay there forever, I have to come and work here. 

I don't know how pooja maasi or chinu is today...

But knowing that I cannot help anyone just sort of kills my existence... 

I cannot help my family, and for what, the startup I am working on.. ? What is future of kiot.. ? Are we all just waiting for it to collapse.. ? What are we transforming into.. ?Led driver led driver, suddenly that's the only thing whole office care about, once it's ready, it'll just become another thing slowly moving...

I mean what's our vision, I doubt even if someone is thinking about it.. 

I am going crazy... My stomach is feeling like puking.. 

What do I do with these feelings, talk to someone? No one can help, everyone would suggest things, I know I cannot do... 

But living with these feelings is also difficult, very difficult. 

But if I am not acting on it, I know I am loosing the little self value I have. I'll accept that I don't have control over anything in life.. 

But what can I do... I can't hurt people. 

Also I cannot just live there with Nani always, I cannot help pooja maasi or Hitesh or mama, or anyone, I lack the courage to act, and it's always the case, I don't know what can I do for them... 

What the fuck is life... 

What the fuck are we..  

I sure will kill god, if this is all just a fucking dream.. 

Why there is just so much pain..

And what is waiting for me...