Dear Diary,
Since a few days, I am getting more depressed. I cried after waking up in the morning , before sleep. But now I am trying to be more positive, thinking my life is not that bad.
I texted with AM for around 2.5 hours yesterday. He seemed positive for once after many days I felt like I am talking with the AM I thought I knew. I feel dumb in front of him many times, because he is quickwitted and I don't have that interesting reply to his comments. But in a good way, I mean I get impressed.
If I start to think of reality , it's not so bad from outside. But a few things keep bothering me. Today I tried to not overthink. I have been thinking of death and escape since many days. I have to accept how things are. I have to be happy with the present. And not even think of future anymore. I have already face a lot in past, but now I started to feel fed up. STOP THINKING!
Today I installed Bumble and talked to a few people. I just opted for finding bff option. I got around 50 matches within an hour. And later just uninstalled it. I talked with 3 people. 2 were nice. But I think I would rather be alone than try to meet unknown people at this point. I have changed and in a negative way. Atleast I used to be open to meeting new people and talking to new people earlier. Now I just feel it's unnecessary. All I want is one person, who will be my life partner. And to be happy. I guess that is too much to ask for. It's all about luck. And luck has not been with me lately.
Earlier I used to be excited to meet new people, talk to other people. Now I feel I would rather be alone. Today I decided, to think logically than emotionally. Why I get so depressed these days is I am 27, and I need to find someone within 1 to 2 years. And due to Corona Virus it's difficult to interact with anyone. But I can't give up now. I can't start looking after 5 years. Even in Bumble almost everyone was younger than me. One positive thing is I still look very young. Today also a guy commented am I really 27 or 14. Same with another guy who asked am I really 27. On November 2020, when I had to sign the consent form for sister's operation, the nurse asked me if I am above 18. But still, I don't want to get married after 30. And I don't want to look like a teenager either. Once my ex shared a picture of us with his friend , after we came in relationship, his friend commented what is he doing , don't be a pedophile. And he is younger than me. And I was 25. All of my exes were younger than me so far. I had short hairs at that time which made me look even more younger. And I have a baby face. I should look more older. Like 22-23. I am 5'1 also, which is short, that also adds to it.