Too Good or Not Good Enough

15 January 2021,

I'm sitting here curious if I am too good of a friend or not good enough. For years I have struggled to keep friends and I never understood why. I was always there for them, always listened to them, helped them out, did what they wanted, but yet in return? I was ditched on my birthday, didn't have anyone to listen to me, no one there for me.

Moving on to a new state I restarted my life. Found a husband and found some what I thought were good friends. The minute I was diagnosed though with my issues I was cast aside...those friends no longer wanted to talk to me or have anything to do with a "broken toy".

I was forced to another job with not so good people and lost all my college friends back home just for differences and distance. But yet...I see my husband (with his friends who hate me because their female friends hate me because they can't sleep with my husband and cheat on their own S/O's but that's another story for another day). I'm friendless. Literally friendless. But my husband, who forgets his friends, never gets back to them unless days on end, makes plans with them and forgets them. Still has them?

Was I doing to much as a friend? Was I just not good enough? I don't get it. I thought I did everything right. I loved my friends. I cared for them. I wanted nothing more than to see them happy. But without a second thought I was treated as a place holder, left out, kicked out, and just there when they needed a body in place of someone they like more.

Am I just destined to never have friends?