January 14, 2021


Dear Diary, the last few days I didn't have contact with anybody other than my mom and the university zoom meeting. I guess this will be how it is for a while.

Belle did write me again. It was a random tech question. I thought about just not answering, but that would make me seem a bit childish I think, so I just gave a quick answer. Then she texted me late again, probably because her anxieties are keeping her up again. Well, I'm not her personal therapist and I didn't answer that one. Maybe she didn't mean it when she said she doesn't want to be friends anymore and that I'm trying to guilt trip her. But I take stuff like this seriously. For a friendship there needs to be some kind of baseline level of trust and I feel like she breached that with her accusations. I can handle different political opinions, but if she thinks I'm using some abusive tactics on her I don't see how we can trust each other. I just said my opinion and what I thought about what she said about the riots.

Knight still hasn't answered me. I sent her a funny video with an actor she likes, but still no reaction although she is online all the time. I was a bit insensitive critisizing her game design suggestion, but I don't feel like this warrants this long silence. Compared to what happened with Belle it was nothing, we didn't even argue. If so I would have apologized immediately.

I am a bit worried about her honestly, maybe there is something going on in her life that I don't know about. She doesn't talk much about herself. I would almost prefer that she is mad at me. I considered that she didn't want to talk to me anymore all along and was just being polite, but she did give me that christmas present out of nowhere and I don't feel like she would do that for someone she doesn't want to engage with anymore.

I guess I will just talk with my male friends more. Yes, they do exist even though I don't talk about them here. I didn't have much contact with them last year, since we usually meet and play games, but with Covid that seemed a bit dangerous since that would be indoors. They have the same trouble finding girlfriends like me. Although they have don't have female friends either. I always thought I had at least that going for me now, but I guess I was mistaken.

I've been trying to fill the void with porn, but it's just not doing it for me like it used to. All I think about is usually how I would prefer hugs over sex right now or I get jealous about how easily girls can get guys attention by just showing some skin. They don't have to worry about radio silence from the other sex thats for sure.

Speaking of which I swiped through the dating apps too. Without a match of course but I saw a few girls that looked cool. Maybe one will like me back? The only good thing about Covid is that you read less about travelling on Dating apps. Of course most of them are still about what alcohol they like the most, but at least that is one thing I feel alienated by down. Maybe I should go on one of these paid sites? They are expensive but maybe the women there at least are serious about looking for someone? I just can't see the type of girl I look for using these sites. They seem more for people with steady jobs looking for a marriage partner while I'm looking for my nerdy college girlfriend.

Or maybe I should just give up on wome  for a while. I just can't get my mind of the subject though. I want to be there for someone. Especially in these cold months I feel like there should be a girl lying next to me who is cold and needs to be warmed. I want to help her with her insecurities by saying how beautiful she is and her doing the same thing for me. I want to learn about her interests no matter how weird they are. I want to be a bit kinky and just tickle her or wrestle with her. I want to take stuff from tall cupboards for her. I want to talk about politics with her. I want to go clothes shopping with her, saying how cute she looks in that one top or the other and maybe we could figure out my style too. I want to give her kisses on her neck and on her forehead and cuddle and hug and spoon and all that. I want to see a real vagina. I want to play with her hair. I want to learn how to do good foreplay so she gets really wet. I want to tell her that she doesn't need to shave her legs or whatever and that she is pretty just they way she is without makeup. I want to give her massages. I want to play videogames with her, talk about books manga and anime. I want to go on walks with her and hold hands. I want to meet her friends. I want to go to the cinema and to restaurants and museums. I want to make photos with her that I will hold dear for the rest of my life. I want to say I love you and mean it and hear it back.