Dear Diary,
I quit the job that I hate just last night. The last conversation with my trainer made me think a lot about whether this was really the best decision for me. The idea of me not being tied down of anything should feel liberating, but i cant shrug off the feeling of guilt, especially acknowledging that i am broke as hell. I keep on telling myself i have plans when in reality all they are, are just plans. I have no idea of how to go on executing them or anything at all.
I go on everyday having everyone think i have it all figured out, I wish i do. within the course of six months, i already lost two consecutive jobs. Maybe i am coming from a place of fear. All the confidence I have were all just for shitshow i guess. The reality is that im very fearful of a lot of things. I just knew I wasnt good enough to be there. All this arrogance is just something i have to get rid of, because i know im not good. My trainer tried to comfort me telling me if there was something she could improve just for me to stay. I told her theres none and that i hope she wont take this personally as there really is nothing she has to do about this decision. The job just felt restricting. While sitting through my shift i imagine doing something else, but now that im unemployed i cant seem to get myself in line with whats in my head. I just am not confident, and i cant seem to get myself to believe in my own potential.
I told my trainer i felt lost and that im not happy with where i am right now. Shes been telling me you choose happiness, but i told her its easy to tell that to someone, but right now im just not really in a place to be able to do and accept that. I feel like i need time to figure things out, but i hope this long pause wont result to anything bad. Especially since being too stagnant can bring too much comfort, and becoming too comfortable is not really a good idea knowing that im not earning. I hope i figure this all out.