Thursday, 28th April 2016
Dearest Friend,
This month has been an intense one. Since my return from Finland I’ve been more focused on counselling and getting through my emotional issues. As I briefly mentioned before, I took my GP’s advice and am committed in my treatment to keep up my intake of antidepressants and seeing a therapist regularly.
Philo supported me with what counselling services were suitable to me, and through the search I made contact with a therapeutic agency called Let’s Get Talking.
I chose this one because the organisation takes into account client’s ability to pay and there is no set fee policy, which means I wouldn’t struggle financially to attend counselling.
At first an appointment was made for me to come into their centre and be assessed; to detail what issues I was struggling with and/or emotional disturbances occurring… I was met with a very kind and soft-spoken young lady on the day, who asked me a series of standard questions; Was I in the use of taking illegal substances, did I suffer with insomnia or experience any traumatic dreams, how was my diet, do I self-harm, have I ever considered or attempted suicide???
As painfully direct the questions were, it didn’t stunt me in any way, because these questions were part of procedure, non-judgemental and something that is asked of every client opting for counselling.
I answered most questions honestly, except the suicidal thoughts in the past; it was just too early for me to tap into that...
When finished, the young woman thanked me for coming in and said that I would be put on a waiting list until the current clients had completed their therapeutic sessions and a suitable therapist became available to me…
This was all in the middle of February, so by early March the counselling service had got back to me and a day was set at my request; I chose Wednesday’s.
During the first session I was simply a pack of nerves; I literally let the words slide right off me, and I’m sure she must have observed that it was a case of frantic ranting!
The counsellor herself was very patient and nice; I could see she was trying to gather a picture of my life, based on my low tone and bowed head. Sometimes I surprised myself with what automatically came out of my mouth – it must have come across as very needy and self-absorbed…
On reflection, it would have been more appropriate to present all sides of the jigsaw puzzle; to also express my immense love and compassion for all the other members of my family (who were equally affected by events in the past), but like a bird taking flight, I spoke from the core of my heart (where the pain is) and was led entirely by my feelings.
When in doubt the counsellor reassured me that this is what therapy is all about; that we must connect with these core feelings (the traumas that have oppressed us for so long) and replace it with pure love and acceptance.
“I hope that could be me one day,” I thought.
The counsellor must have read my mind because she studied my facial expression and said “Of course you can. It’ll take hard work and commitment, but you certainly can achieve it by making the most out of your counselling and taking something away from it. It’s all possible!”
Just that kind of encouragement brought a new perspective in me towards my therapy – that, to gain and seek strength, I must find ways to embrace my vulnerability…and seek comfort in that!
In my second week, I decided to bring in my diary to discuss things more deeply and share some written reflections on life. I felt a little nervous at first from speaking my entries out loud, especially when it’s dealing with very intense feelings…
But when I got down to it, and explored those outpourings, there was great empowerment from it.
My speech started with a low and uncertain pattern, but grew heights when I really connected with the honest feelings behind the written word. I would glance up from my page at the therapist every now and then and she had a mixture of sympathy and warmth on her face, and I grew comfort in the fact that she understood where my voice was taking her.
A question she lightly asked with a smile was: “Is this a book in progress?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’m not really sure where my diaries will take me… But they’re the one source for expression that I’m proud to have… To write what you feel can be such a great but challenging experience. The best result is that writing heals!”
“For sure, it does. How you express yourself is fantastic, Jay. But what you explore in your writing is very raw, so I admire your courage for sharing that… How do you feel now?”
“I feel weirdly liberated from doing that. I didn’t expect this reaction, to be honest. I thought I’d explore the cause of what brought on the pain and confusion, but now I know that doesn’t matter right now.”
What matters first is that I acknowledge these feelings and not be in denial about them. Being present is very important in order to change and move on…
That’s what reading my diaries out loud taught me!
The counsellor looked at me intently, and for a moment an awkward silence was felt between us, which I think is to be expected when a counsellor offers reassurance and the client wants quick results…
I’m sure as an observation this is how it would superficially appear – but really this is not my ultimate intention. I get nervous, sure, and perhaps impatient emotionally when we touch on tough ground – but that’s more because I’m extremely vulnerable and trying to pull myself together; not in any way discrediting the counsellor’s advice or denying myself truth of the actions I take…
It’s a tough vibe to describe (that distance between solution and despair), especially as the depression can rile a person up and create a great deal of self-doubt. It’s at that rate when you begin to indulge your inadequacies; see all the flaws in your character as final and focus on all the wrong in your life – not once acknowledging your plus points – and so your very perception revolves around this vicious cycle.
So, of course, when it happens that your GP directs you to counselling – because you’re unwell or see yourself as “deficient” – it’s natural that you initially find connecting with your inner hurts to be upsetting…
It’s taking that tough step forward and acknowledging when there is a problem to ask for help that makes the healing process a little easier, and all the more worthwhile to continue the path…
And so that’s what I’m trying to do here; I’m taking action so that I can better deal with my mental health and be in a better position of self-care.
Right now, I’m just too vulnerable to cope with everything on my own - and nobody should be in isolation when they feel to be a prisoner to their own mind!
Yours, Jay
Thursday, 5th May 2016
Dearest Friend,
Bad news, I’m afraid. I know for certain that I have failed my exam on this media course, which I done earlier this week.
I don’t know what happened, or how for a better word; I just lost faith in my attempts on the course in recent months, and with everything happening in my life I guess a part of me gave up.
On the day of the exam I was so drowsy and disorientated because I got no sleep the night before, due to anxiety and I don’t know what else!
I literally sat in the exam hall for twenty minutes staring at a blank page; no formed ideas were coming, and I couldn’t concentrate. The only thing I wrote on the exam paper was my full name, exam number and the date, which really left me feeling very unhappy – my own fault of course. An hour later I excused myself from the exam and went home to bed, to get back those hours of sleep I missed the night before.
For the whole day I felt wretched and knew I could have succeeded in that course, if I had prioritized my time better and focused on the things that matter.
I know I can’t change things, but perhaps I can sure as hell make up for it at university! I’ll have to, if I really want that degree…
Counselling this week was a little tough-going; not so much initially, but when I had more time to reflect the session afterwards!
My counsellor and I touched on some sensitive topics, such as feelings surrounding the court case, my relationship with my Mother, my deep care over my two sisters. It all seemed to come out naturally as we conversed back and forth, and it was more a case where the counsellor questioned objectively and I was brutally honest with my opinionated, emotionally-driven answers…
I’m not going to lie – discussing these things really sew a knot around my heart and caused me to be breathless at first, but at the same time I tried very hard to have self-control in getting through the hour; so as not to fall to pieces…
Going to counselling means very much to me; I see this talk-therapy as a key source in my healing and moving on with life, like a crossroad so to speak.
That’s why it’s very important to me that I receive the clarity I need, through enforcing a strengthened perspective about the things that have happened and the nudge to help me let go… In saying that I know I shouldn’t keep my expectations high, and bear in mind that the only results I can expect is that from the effort I put into my sessions!
The real trouble with me is not so much that I object to the happenings of my past, but that I’m affected by the circumstances it’s left me; both metaphorically and from an existential standpoint. “Where do I belong?”
This is what my inner child insists on figuring out; not only with my dysfunctional family life, but by potential and personal value… It’s a continuous cycle of searching for and seeking to know my self!
In one of my conversations with the counsellor, I was insistent on the prospect that to best be over and done with my childhood trauma I should first be forgiving of those who caused these hurts in me.
Amazingly, the counsellor wasn’t buying the front I was portraying, and pointed out that when we’re vulnerable we sometimes think illogically when we’re in “fight or flight” mode; in my case, masking my true feelings and people-pleasing for “emotional safety”.
For instance, the counsellor asked me a challenging question: “If you were to have taken the stand in court, what would you have told him?”
I had to think about that one.
“I guess I would ask why he had hurt my sister,” I found myself urging.
At this point I was beginning to cry and shake a little – it was very hard to look a stranger in the eye and say something that made me feel shame.
The counsellor gave me a minute to collect myself, and then she gently explained to me why she had asked that question. She was right; it’s too early in my recovery to forgive – and she counted me acknowledging that truth as making a person stronger, not weaker…
I guess because I’ve watched other writers and examples accept their lost childhood through spiritual enlightenment or compassionate awakenings that I’ve aspired to lead the same path; only, it’s occurred to me that I haven’t yet dealt with the brute of things to really reach that place in me where I can find contentment!
On the prospect of confronting Him in court, the counsellor added that I had become so fixed on my sister’s case that, in the process, I had less acknowledged my real part (or reasons, let’s say) for seeking justice.
It always was for a mutual gain; to voice the truth of my sister’s abuse as well as my own, but because we got caught up in the court procedures I never got a chance to play my part…
In truth, none of the witnesses got their day in court – He had pleaded guilty before we got the chance – but a selfish part of me needed that confrontation; to reassure the child in me that we’ve set the record straight and our voice to be finally heard!
In any case, it just didn’t come to that. I’m accepting that… But the point I say this is because the counsellor observed that I was covering my own abuse as a compensation in being strong for Cindy and striving for her cause, when really it should have been for both of us!
Nevertheless, it was through mutual effort and brave honesty that we brought our truths to the authorities, and so the tough process paid off by putting him behind bars for what he had done.
The counsellor says I should be proud of myself for speaking up all those years ago, as it’s given my sisters the trust/courage to expose their own. I will try – but I must say, it’s challenging to find purpose in something so maddening!
All in all, at least things are making more sense to me, and I’m becoming more secure in day to day life as time passes…
I’m very grateful for all the support I’m receiving; that being counselling for strengthening perspective, medication for better treatment towards my well-being, and of course my GP for availing me of all these mental health services…
I can sense myself to be improving already; even by moods and attitude. All is good! 😊
Yours, Jay.