Monday, 4th April 2016
Dearest Friend,
My last days in Finland weren’t as bleak as my experiences were probably described previously; actually they were wonderful… I just go through moments sometimes where things feel too heavy to bear, but almost always I come out of those bad spells somehow!
To tell you the truth, apart from me missing a few classes of training while in Finland, my experience there was a very good one. I’ve learnt quite a lot; being introduced to a new world of culture, and made some wonderful friends.
From the perspective of an Erasmus programme, it’s been such an eye-opener; my outlook on life has changed, being greeted with this change of scenery has increased my energy levels and helped me see above feelings of despair, and with that I learn to see life outside of my own head!
To see life moving on visibly for me certainly caused an emotional impact; so, of course, there were evenings when I may have felt strangely sentimental because of that...
Aside from partaking in the everyday activities with my peers as a great distraction, in moments alone it was writing to you that ultimately gave me solace.
Unfortunately, it came to happen that I devoted myself to you more on occasions when life felt uneasy; when I couldn’t make head or tail of things, or when I just needed this use of expression to vent…
You already know this is something I regularly do, so there’s no point in me expressing the obvious or being repetitive; I’ll just say thank you for being patient with me in less happier times.
Life, it gets better for those who wish to see opportunities from an experience, and continue to dream.
Whatever your source of motivation, the world and it’s offerings are all open to your advantage – if you just embrace the endless possibilities that can change your life!
Time and again I try to bring myself to a happy medium in the face of life’s difficulties; this is best correlated after rationalizing the whole affair on paper, and remedying the challenges by turning my focus on things in life that bring me gratitude…
By humbly looking to reason and being present with all of life, this is when I find myself feeling many waves of emotions; ones that bring me gratitude and great nostalgia.
My reactions to these feelings can result in me being either joyful or tearful – depending on my environment or whose company I’m with. But always, I try to gain some positivity in recognition of an experience.
No matter how life causes my emotions to sway, in the deep root of my heart I’ve always kept faith in the goodness of things, and how powerful compassion can be… Nobody knows it, but my soul’s purpose has always been to bring the good out in people and to make difference in the world.
I know that’s such a naïve way to think, but I’ve always acted out from the best intentions for others…
What I mean by that is I don’t just expect something from people; I value the true person inside, and found that through being my sincere and empathetic self I’ve got further in discovering wonderful inner qualities.
This works two ways, of course, and requires trust – but honesty and kindness has always helped the process. Anyhow, I find such discoveries of hidden qualities to be such a beautiful thing, which is why in turn I’ve never given up on discovering my own. True beauty is now in how you look, but how you ARE with others!
On one occasion at the film school we were training at, we met with our film adviser and stuntman Jani, who was a fantastic support to us in the inspiring and creating of short films and music videos. He’s also got a terrific personality and can be really funny; Jani certainly left a good impression on all of us. He told us some amazing stories about his experiences as actor and stuntman, such as diving from a massive height. Shocked, I asked how he had the courage to do it. He told me he had the spirit of a daredevil, which is undeniable!
Anyways, sometime during our second week, Jani invited us to a local theatre to watch a comedic acting performance that he would be involved in, and of course we all wanted to see (especially as it would be spoken in Finnish).
Because I live further out of the town than the rest of my friends, and because my punctuality is terrible, I arrived ten minutes late outside the theatre building (after finally figuring out the correct location). We were all seen as guests of Jani, so as a treat we were able to see the show free of charge.
But, unfortunately, due to the language barrier and strict policy, the receptionist and staff found it a hard time understanding my situation.
In the end I didn’t get in to see Jani’s show; after much persuasion and explaining myself, I was later told that the receptionist is one of those moody and old-fashioned people who didn’t want to take a chance.
Disappointed, I went to the side bar in the foyer and ordered a vodka coke to drink and kill time. I know this really pissed off the staff; they were confused as to why I was still present even after their rejection upon entry to the show.
The bartender who served me happened to speak fluent English and told me he overheard the whole dispute. I explained things more clearly to him and he then went ahead to try having a word with them, more understandably from their native language.
It was pointless at that stage because the staff told him it was near break time in the show, but that I was welcome to watch the second half, since his version of my reasons for being there were expressed “more reliably” … I thanked the man for trying and he then introduced himself casually as Eetu. I left the theatre soon after, since all the waiting in silence was pretty nerve-wrecking…
I would learn later on that the young bartender, Eetu, was actually gay and on Grindr as well. We talked back and forth a good bit and exchanged phone numbers to arrange catching up in person.
The amazing thing is that throughout our “dates” exploring Pori it was never sexually charged but pure friendship-like, in being acquainted with each other’s separate worlds… Eetu may appear quite serious and pale for the outsider who doesn’t know him, but from getting to know his true charming personality he is such a great conversationalist, to the point that it’s nearly informative and political, yet has that slight humour that makes it very stimulating discussions.
He explained to me a lot about the differences between Finland and Sweden; the reserved cultures, the differences between our seasonal calendars, unemployment and suicide rates in Finland, etc., etc.
Eatu also showed me this seemingly funny dynamic video that shows Finnish people in uses of public transport, in schools or the workplace – where the demeanour is shown to be very distant and prefers their own personal space. One extreme example in the video was Finnish passengers preferring to stand on a bus than to sit down next to strangers. I could see the bizarre humour in the presentation but Eetu apparently finds there’s a lot of truth in it; Finnish people can be very “closed” he says… Although this was his opinion, in my experience I’ve received nothing but extreme kindness and hospitality from all the friends I’ve made. Eetu says he means Finnish people as a collective together; not to visiting tourists.
In that case I can completely understand feelings of isolation or preference of separateness, when you simply don’t relate to the common norms of your country’s cultural tribes.
To simplify, I’ve always found it easier, and less forced, to develop sincere friendships with people who are foreign or from other countries to my own. I know my reasons for this is very personal and probably due to a sense of security; with the hearty feeling that I’m in no way restricted by my circumstances.
There also comes the fact that conversationally with “internationals” the topics to discuss are refreshingly broad on the spectrum and not as dull or “obvious” as you might find the tone of chatting typical from people in your local regions; encouraged with the same pessimistic mindsets, which sometimes leave little hope for positivity to grow.
I think the problem is when you live in a small town, village or have lived in such circumstances all your life, you can become consumed by the collective spirit of its people, and for some this isn’t always a positive experience.
It’s when you can’t make the distinction between thinking for yourself or relying on authority figures that you know it’s a problem for you as an individual and the masses of society. And for those who are seen, or may feel themselves to be, outcasts can without a questionable doubt feel alienated.
You can nearly predict the conclusions of conversations relating the economy, competitive sport, religion and science. It’s like a broken record that never changes its tune… And what strikes me most of all, at least from my own bias observation, is that in all these hot debates you never see consideration for the opposing view – it’s always of the belief that separate teams must antagonize each other, rather than embrace their differences and learn a thing or two from the opposing end.
Furthermore, I think tolerance is key and educating each other about the values of diversity a good food for thought, in broadening our perspectives on people and the world around us…
Truly, we never stop learning or growing as a people, so why fight the lessons life has in store?
When, surely, there’s a reason we come into face with our opposites and grow because of the challenges it brings us.
Although I have these beliefs and hope in me, I know a large reason for me feeling isolated is down to my anxiety from homophobic bullying and abuse recurring all through my growing up.
Never really fitting in anywhere, being purposefully excluded, looked at as a freak and being taunted because I was bisexual.
The worst part is I wanted to be anybody but me; feel accepted by people, but I was too sensitive and self-aware to play a disguise, so the only other option I had to avoid fights or black eyes was finding survival in isolation, and being okay with that…
Even though I suffered loneliness and attempted suicide as a pre-teen, I don’t regret having stayed true to my sense of self and ways of coping with that.
Really, I was a deeply troubled kid with no sense of direction, found a way to numb what I was feeling inside and survive in a world that didn’t want me (or so I thought!).
Given how troubling and traumatic my childhood was, it’s made me a stronger person to have faced it for what it was and not lost faith; I know that now…
I know it’s important to learn treating myself with kindness and being gentle with my inner-child a new habit to learn; I know in order to rise above it and overcome I have to be willing to look at my past with forgiveness and compassion, otherwise I’ll stay emotionally wounded and never heal…
I believe God has a plan for me and what’s happened needn’t have to be looked at in vain!
So, perhaps the reason I more prefer ways of life out of my everyday is because subconsciously I’m running from my past. Even still, I can only see positive by adapting to change and loving all that comes with that process… In life, I’ve made fantastic friends, had enticing love affairs, had some very exciting experiences and seen some amazing places; all through the influence and vibes from people very different to me and the world I come from – and I see all this as a blessing!
To end this letter, I’d just like to say how nice this experience in Finland was.
And yes, I’ve had a few days where I wasn’t all that collected, or my anxiety got the better of me. Thankfully, towards the final week especially, I was able to strengthen myself with perspective and see things from a positive note. When you become very depressed or suffer an anxiety attack, it’s very hard to see the light of things...
But enough is said about that.
I know opportunities like these don’t come very often, especially in the amidst of a bad time, so I am very grateful to have had this trip away.
And really, I have my communications lecturer, Grainne, to thank for that. She knew I was having a tough time, and I confided in her about that horrible period in November. She was very patient and understanding – extremely empathetic and concerned for my well-being – and encouraged me onto the supports I needed… I think some people would look at my situation and think leaving the country, whilst having mental health issues, to be a bad turn – but Grainne listened to her heart in this instance and realized how much it would have meant to me, “having that break,” as she put it. And it has served me wonderfully – definitely!
Hanging out with Eetu and losing ourselves in deep conversations was a lot of fun; meeting his sisters and going to nightclubs was really enjoyable.
We’ve agreed to keep in touch and we chat every now and then online.
Just taking in the energy and atmosphere of a new environment has been great healing for me; it’s reminded me all that’s to enjoy and look forward to in life!
Before leaving Pori, my team and I went out to this frozen snow beach, and that was amazing. We skidded on the strong ice, had snowball fights and took some nice photographs of the desolate scenery; the deep-frozen water and us especially as a group saying goodbye to Pori.
It was all very lovely, and everyone was in good spirits as we left for Finland’s capital, Helsinki. Here is where we all did our shopping before going home. I got some very nice clothes for myself and shoes, and got my friends and family some cute souvenirs.
Overall, the experience has been good.
And now that we’re back in Galway, all my classmates and I are preparing to finish our final assignments. I’ve a feeling my progress hasn’t been enough to earn me distinctions.
Either way, we’ll get into that in a later letter sometime. Our exam on media analysis is sometime in May, so we’ve that to look forward to as well! 😊
Write soon,
Jay.