Thursday, 3rd March 2016
Dearest Friend,
For a moment I just want to say something. I want to come away from the series of my life’s observations and just be here, in the moment of things with you – now that my emotions aren’t so heated!
Reading back what I said to the doctor shocked me a little – it came across so bitter and inconsiderate, I do think… I can’t excuse my feelings on the matter, either, because there was no way of sugar-coating it anymore, as the circumstances really were cruel and led me to having such an angry outburst as a result.
Could anyone in my situation really blame me?
I hope not, because all of this has been momentary ranting; nothing permanent I would hope.
It’s sad to admit but I’ve always felt like an outsider. Why is that? It really bothers me.
I don’t want to feel this way towards everybody, especially those I love.
I want to change – I want to pull my weight and do my bit that needs improving, too. Now that I have supports and sources of real guidance, I don’t feel all that bad.
God, I don’t understand why everything feels so overwhelming at the moment – all the weight of everything seems to be crashing all at once…
I can’t bear it!
Friday, 4th March 2016
Dearest Friend,
I don’t know why it surprised me when the Doc asked if he thought I may have depression, but it did…
I mean, of course I’ve had/have distinct symptoms of depression, such as often feeling easily exhausted, mentally tired, low willpower or motivation to get on top of things – the crazy sleep pattern, sexual dysfunction and generally the very too often low mood.
But even still, I was never quick to self-diagnose myself – to do that, on top of everything, would be more hindering than anything else; to be without the facts and professional advice.
To hear the Doctor actually hint depression – which I certainly agree is the case – left me speechless.
I guess it’s because of seeing myself under a diagnosis. I don’t know for sure why it shocked me; I certainly didn’t shun the doctor’s suggestion, either, but instead calmly asked what he thinks.
“I definitely think you’ve a great deal of stress on your hands, and since you’re dealing with a lot of this very much on your own, it’s bound to be down-putting. I don’t think you should label yourself or anything like that; don’t blame yourself for being depressed. I think your trauma has affected you a lot in this; the abuse, neglect, having to be independent so young – it would affect anyone… You mentioned considering counselling earlier? I think that would help, aside taking antidepressant medication to keep your moods balanced. It may take a month or more to get into your system but if you take the pills daily, around the same time, I think the treatment with the counselling would surely help the healing process. That is my recommendation. What do you think yourself?”
“Yeah, if you think it would help. I’m up for trying whatever to get better again.”
“I’m not saying medication is the answer to everything, but in your case I think it’s a good start. Counselling and being busy in your course work is good for your mind, but for the short term I think give the antidepressants a chance, and it may help you feel better; to get your life back on track.”
I thanked the doctor and then he wrote me out a prescription for the pharmacy; an antidepressant medication named “Lexapro” to treat depression and social anxiety, starting with 25mg.
As I have a medical card, I just had to give the pharmacist the prescription, sign it and pay €2.50 as the rate for medical card users.
I’ve already finished my first weeks of pills, but you get over three weeks’ worth of medication, so I still have two weeks to go before I head back to the doctor for a monthly refill.
It’s too early just yet to be reporting or self-examining any progress. If anything, I feel good to have taken the mature step and do something about my problem.
I take my medication after 6p.m., not long after my dinner. I’ve also been trying to nap less in the afternoons and begin unwinding down more after 7:30-8p.m., when I’m sure the medication is taken and overall try and get a healthy routine back in place.
Taking medication has surprisingly pushed me to take more rational action!
Yours, Jay.