Monday, 25th January 2016
Dearest Friend,
Today we are going to discuss self-identity and the many forms of soul-searching a person or people can go through.
If you notice, I ended my last notebook with a previous letter relating to this very observance/theory, so I felt why not fill in the blanks instead of leaving the concept as a could-be forgotten question or even as a suppressed contemplation…!
The truth of the matter is that I want to explore this area most because, at the moment, I really don’t know where I stand in life – it’s like that feeling of being on a lost island in mid-ocean; having no sense of direction as to where to go next…
It’s certainly not a pleasant position to find yourself; having an aimless disposition in both body and mind, and feeling no sense of adventure in your connecting with people and the world…
It’s dreadful, to recognize that you’ve no home in your heart’s compass but having within you that dear curiosity and wonder to experience the real thing.
And in seeking out and acting from your “wanting”; a desire to feel contented and having someone’s sincere trust, all you will undoubtedly end up with is more of that wanting – for you’ve put too high of expectations on people and your rush for that desired result is purely based on superficial tactics.
I can’t tell you how unfortunate it feels, to lose your sense of drive and finding pleasure in the things you usually would have oved. If I could put a word on this feeling it would be: Misery…
All I think about lately is pushing myself along and getting through the day; it can feel like such a drag at times.
But enough of the self-pity; I won’t get anywhere by clinging to these negative thoughts and getting too familiar with them. If that should ever happen, it would only disrupt a balanced rationale – since with negative-thought patterns it only leaves you in a vicious cycle of misfortunates; all due to the chaos in your own head!
When you set yourself up to fail, how are you ever going to aim for a positive result?
When thoughts are put into action, especially negative vibes, a disillusioned and dissatisfied sense of reality is projected out into the world, and from this attitude you fail solely in the DECIDING of giving up!
But what few of us take the time to consider is that there is great fortune in losing from practice at times. Actually, some would say it’s essential to grow and mature. I suppose a stubborn part of us fails to accept this process in our lives – for life appears to award “survival of the fittest” and leaves no compassion in our mistakes…
Anyway, I really shouldn’t generalize – since it seems to take us away from the point.
As I’m currently feeling down in the dumps, it’s very hard to expect these encouraging theories to cheer me along alone.
If I’m being perfectly honest, I feel incredibly lonely and subdued, and I guess that fight with my mother has brought me to question many facets of life events.
I don’t even know which is real and which was powered by emotion anymore, since either way feels very unjust to me… I could clip myself on the ear for not handling that conflict more assertively like any rational minded person might, but what with Mum shouting over me and not wanting to listen – silencing me yet again – the only way I could survive that situation was not to give in to aggression but to calmly get up and leave.
It was suffocating to feel so disrespected and mistreated; there was no way I could push sense into her, and so walking away was the only logical thing I could reason with under such strain.
Even finding the concentration for course work is proving poorly. I never complain with people about these concerns, however, as these stresses are my own to be responsible for and it also gives me anxiety to be even discussing it – like now!
But to get back to the subject: as we speak, life, with its many daily pressures, does feel impossible to grip. To tell you the truth, all this would be a lot more endurable if I had outlets to offload my feelings…
Now I know my diaries are a great saving for relief and retrospection – but what I long for more than anything at the moment is a distraction for the much bluntness in my head!
Any practical mind would suggest daily exercise as a great way to stay alert and disciplined, but to be honest with you I only ever seem to procrastinate if and when through forming a “decision”…
Before I moved back to Galway this late summer, my bicycle was stolen from the back yard in Cartron (and I haven’t the money to buy a new one just yet) so cycling is out of the question for a while… I go for daily walks in the evening but it’s a pity these small strolls couldn’t be shared with a brighter presence.
First and foremost, throughout all these efforts to thrive and with mental persuasion, what I want and long for more than anything is to be a lot happier in myself… Half the time, I don’t even recognize myself anymore – it’s a struggle to contain the exuberance and high-spirited amounts of energy I used to have some time ago!
It’s also been increasingly difficult to keep in touch with the few wonderful friends in my life, such as Carol, Lucy, Emanoel, Danny and James – to state the few – and I’ve only myself to blame. They would drop all of their activities at an instant if I needed them, and yet I’m too selfish and self-absorbed to do the same…
Whenever I get up in the morning – that in itself is proving to be a challenge these last few months – I rush to college and commit all my energy in class team work, doing heavy research and assignments to compete against any sudden deadlines, and in the late evening I look forward to those few hour naps before squeezing in those last moments for bits of homework needed to be done.
And, of course, a balanced sleep pattern goes out the window – I always seem to find some task or other needing be done, that I leave no room for social outlets.
My thoughts aren’t far away from an approaching reality; I can easily visualize these wonderful friendships dying out overtime, which were splendid and a complete treasure to savour, and it’s my own fault to say the least…
Anytime I do connect with friends on occasion, I always worry of only being an annoying pest and complainer – never in a good mood, expecting sympathy or ultimately irresponsible!
And that’s the least I wish to bring these people; I want to be able to give them comfort and leave them very much at ease in the way they’ve greatly affected me.
But my dear friends deserve even more than that; they should be able to enjoy their carefree days and not have to think of taking life so seriously (as I, admittedly, have been!), and especially they can be spared my life’s troubles. No. Right now, I’m too ashamed to have my pals see me this low – the embarrassment would be too great!
I can see why some of them would run from such lengths of despair; gosh, even I would love to leap from this body and save myself from the madness if I could…
It pains me that I must admit that to you, but as this notebook is a casket of my life’s feelings, please don’t hold it against me.
I’m sorry, buddy. I began this letter intending to share with you something meaningful about myself and views of the progress in self-image, and the like.
But I’ve only jotted down this jumbled piece of garbage. I sincerely apologize…
I’ll remember to write more consciously and with a focus next time, but to tell you the truth I wouldn’t go on holding much faith in anything I do or say lately!
Yours, Jay.
Wednesday, 27th January 2016
Dearest Friend,
Today I have received quite an amazing birthday gift in the post from James. He sends a birthday card, with much writing scribed on it, and two concert tickets for Josh Groban in May!
I was shocked. I had tried buying concert tickets for the late concert in Dublin, but it was quickly booked out. As James was a constant contact in my life around that time (around Halloween), he was aware of my wishing plan.
Now I never would have considered booking for a concert in Belfast, as I have not visited and am not familiar with the place. But James went ahead and covered our hotel arrangements, too – for me and Lucy…
Once having read the card closely and finding the tickets slip out of the opening, I quickly went online and thanked James for the incredible gift.
He told me I should never undermine his efforts and care of me and told me he hoped I had a great birthday.
I told only positive things about my days (much of which I made up, to be honest!) before finishing our conversation and going downstairs to have my dinner.
My landlady, Philo, was also incredibly impressed by the gift – especially the price of both tickets and accommodation, and suggested I really had to “make it up to him”. Even as a friend – I agreed.
There’s no point in me pushing people that care about me away, especially someone so committed as James – but even still, I don’t want to lead him on like last time and what I want is pure friendship; nothing intimate whatsoever!
So we will have to see in due time how this one plays out…
Yours, Jay.