Thursday, 2nd December 2015
Dearest Friend,
I can see it coming ahead; the life I want to live… It’s like standing on a mountain top and gazing down on life events from a distance afar; a sequence of life episodes unfolding while the intense feelings of inspiration for that bit more stirs within. I know it’s very possible to get where I want to be; I merrily just have to believe it can happen and to be my own leader of seeking out success!
Flashing before me are vivid images of the people that are dear to me most - my adorable sister Cindy, who is so sweet and strong in everything she faces; Maria (despite all her bravado) is so sensitive and has so much potential to offer; my wonderful friends Carol and Lucy, who just give me the strength and willpower to bypass every pitfall and are the reason I’m still alive today.
James, for despite all my faults and stubbornness has kept a pure heart and has patience as good of a saint when dealing with me through many lows and us clashing as wounded human beings.
My two grandmothers, Granny M and Nanny G, for their love and devotion as people who helped me to really grow up.
And my mother, because no matter how she lets me down or fails to reach that expiation from the child within me (who is simply in need of her love and nurturing as a committed parent), I will forgive her again and again because she gave me life and has made me see an attitude from the impossible being made into pure possibility…
I seen all these people appear before me and felt each of their energy intertwine with mine – making me see above the pain and into a realm of pure healing; where only overflowing love and bliss is beautifully felt.
And then a cloud overtook this happiness and His shape came floating into the picture, looking very lost and almost like a child that was being scolded for doing wrong but couldn’t understand the concept of it’s wrong-doing.
Of course this was just a visualization and my interpretation of the “lost shape” revealing itself; in truth it makes no difference how he “feels” about the abuse, the damage has been done and the family and me have faced the consequences of that through our mental health state and this infliction of mistrust towards others…
But the image of Him went on and I was seeing how circumstances had made him cruel and he was going through inflictions of his own, presently it being alcoholism and abusing the use of drugs.
Seeing all this may have been imaginary and off track from the facts, but the dream was showing me how He was his own worst enemy, and this visualization angered me because it was never going to be enough for me to forgive him.
I felt ashamed of myself that I could even have thought that little sense of humanity towards him, and consider the conditioning that led to his drastic actions upon me and my sisters, and perhaps others!
*Beep beep* I hear my phone ring out.
Opening my eyes, I quickly look around and can feel myself in my body again; for once it feels awful.
Usually waking up in a fancy hotel should bring comfort and smiles, but at my instant thoughts of yesterday quickly register.
The phone is still ringing and I’m barely awake. Lacking the energy to move, I just lay there shocked – staring at my mobile over on the countertop near the plasma TV, which feels too far out of my reach and it’s volume blurring out of my focus by the second.
On the one hand, I felt physically exhausted, and on the other in a state of shock to take on more of these troubles…
What could it be now? I wondered. Is it Mum about to tell me we’re expected in court this morning; has Cindy suffered more nightmares and Mum needs my company for comfort?
Is it James that, under his worry, decided to show up at the hotel to demand my attention?
Or is it even more terrible that He made it across seas or his body was discovered from suicide?
I’ve heard many cases where cowardly perpetrators would rather take their own lives than do their time, under a guilty conscience.
Shaking my head, the phone rang again and its beeping ringtone brought me back to Earth and made me realize it was ridiculous to be overthinking the worse and hiding in bed.
I threw the duvet covers away from my weak body and tried, in vain, to get up.
Sitting up, as if arched on a chair at the side of the bed, I begin to lift myself up into standing position and tried to walk, only to fall face down…
Shocked by this, I realized I had “pins and needles” in my legs – my body was numb – and I crawled across the floor over to the counter!
I had to laugh in spite of myself as I used the desk chair for support to repeat the standing position.
This time I achieved without breaking into pieces (because that’s what it felt like!) and I retrieved my phone and answered right on time before it was automatically brought to voicemail.
Up appeared M.I. on the caller ID but for a second I couldn’t hear anything but muffled sounds, I assume from bad connection outdoors, and then she began.
“Jason?! Where have you been… We’ve all been trying to ring you for ages! Have you heard?”
“No? Heard what…?”
“They got Him… The police got him in Sligo.
He’s pleaded guilty… It’s finally over!”
More later,
Jay.