Wednesday, 1st December 2015
Dearest Friend,
Just when I think it was bad enough to come attend court for a criminal case and try to persuade the solicitors and jury that we weren’t liars for presenting such a horrific happening, He goes away and takes that chance from us.
Although it would be very frightening having to speak before strangers and try and prove ourselves “not guilty”, the act of getting up there and having my voice heard was more important to me than the court’s ignorance in releasing him…
All that pent up rage and feelings of inadequacy I wanted to use in a justified manner; to realize them in a medium that perhaps, finally, could do something practical to help me and my family – so that we really can let go and move on in our lives.
Let’s just say the act of standing up and speaking out truth would have been the best therapy through relating the sexual abuse, but there’s no saying what’s going to happen tomorrow. For all we know the coward could be leaving the country right about now!
Yesterday evening (after writing to you) I had to go and lay down because I began to feel very dizzy and disorientated. My body felt as though it were sinking beneath the duvet covers and was overcome with this sense that nothing felt right anymore. Nothing could fill this void but time itself. Telling myself: “I must, I must go on and not give in to despair!”
Patience is something in life that I’ve been forced to accept… As much as I’d like to shout and cry out, I don’t. Instead I think about the issue so intensely, bearing all concepts and possible outcomes in mind, until the weight of anxiety has been lifted that, on second thought, it no longer becomes as heavy of an issue anymore… I’m a big believer in the powers of mindfulness, and I’ve been able to reassure myself of everything else (which may have not been considered under the contrary) that’s to be grateful for and to aspire towards a happier sense of self.
All this is possible when we allow our thinking to take a new direction – to train our minds to form fresh perceptions, at the present situation in mind.
I, myself, know very well how hard it can be to think outside the box, with a family that criticize me as either being stupid or attention seeking when sharing my ideals, and having many self-doubts to get on in the world when the systems in place try to prove us otherwise.
I know what it’s like to experience abuse in many forms and being made feel as though your voice is being silenced. None of this is true…
You know yourself that you’ve done no wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of – although your enemies might put you through a tough time making you second-guess yourself.
Let them utter all that rubbish and allow them spread all that aggression, but know in yourself that these negative vibes in people never win; people can see through cowards and weak character.
So, please, remember that what you’re doing is truly courageous and when it’s the truth you’ve nothing to lose.
What does rapists and liars gain?
Sooner or later it will eat away at them, whether or not their caged up doesn’t matter.
A real prison is when someone has to live with the consequences for the rest of their days, and this is only carried in a person’s conscience.
What matters is that you know in yourself that you didn’t ask for what had happened – many people have a difficulty coming to terms with consent – and have done the best thing by speaking it out with someone you trust.
Whether or not that trust is abused, don’t hold to it. Speaking out in and of itself is where the power lies.
And as long as you needn’t let those experiences cripple you or, better yet, prevent you from spreading your wings and feeling the freedom that is yours, you’re truly the person in control here.
And I really mean this when I say it: Don’t let the result of a court case or family disputes be your idea of the outcome.
What you’ve done took guts and whether people appreciate you for lending that truth is their problem.
Let them grieve and cope in their own way – their reactions aren’t your responsibility to take on the shoulders.
Shift that thought right off and tell yourself “I can only take care of me and be responsible for the actions I make!”
Repeat this in moments of struggle or doubt; it’s important you know where true control evolves and how to appropriately take action.
Either way, we’re all flawed as human beings and have much to gain in learning from our mistakes. So, this is how I would train myself to think under the circumstances and in a lot of instances this mindfulness has worked!
I remember last night having had an incredible dream.
Although it was very vivid, given my upset composure, it seemed nearly too good to be true. I was receiving many of these visualizations of love; ones in which the dream was showing myself giving. It was clearly telling me that I am very capable to give and offer something very good to humanity.
I seen myself leading large groups of happy faced people, me in the centre, merrily talking away and offering people help. The fact that people would even turn to a gentle shell like myself says enough.
But it made me smile…and I woke up today feeling truly amazing – I nearly forgot where I was. And writing that now makes me laugh!
Yours, Jay.
P.S: James has been contacting me consistently, and was truly worried of my whereabouts. In fact he insisted on going to Dublin just to feel close to me – I’m unable for any company at the moment and just want to rest.
It would be too draining having to relive the last few days and share the disappointing news. I could only ask that he respects me needing my space and that I’d tend to him when I can even think straight for a start. James didn’t take this approach very well and felt helpless. “How can I support you if you won’t let me?” He would say.
There are times when one just needs alone time to mend themselves together, and I want James to understand. I feel he does deep down!