Tuesday, 17th November 2015
Dearest Friend,
James and I have gotten to know each other quite a bit.
At first, I found it easy-going; we’d joke about this and that, and a lot of the conversation would have to do with our sexual interests. But later on, things became quite…intense, and I don’t know how I feel about that right now...
I guess what I’m trying to say is things got overwhelming for me once my emotional side was revealed to him.
I think he’s become too involved for his own good, and that’s my fault for leaving myself too open!
In the moment, however, it all seemed right.
Way back in the end of August, Mum was meant to drive me to Galway with a friend of hers, as I had so many belongings to carry, but she badly let me down…
I kept ringing her to collect me from Cartron but she kept putting off time for some excuse, and I just knew from the excitement in her voice that she was high on drugs.
This didn’t shock me at all – many times I’ve encountered Mum under a high influence and just manage to not take it personally; in order to protect my own emotions getting out of kilter. But what did annoy me is that Mum didn’t just put off the lift, she kept asking me to hold on and that she’ll be around soon!
I easily could have told her not to bother, but I really needed a temporary place to store my stuff, and where else but my old box room – it’s never used and Mum’s barely home anyway.
So I just sighed and told her to hurry up.
In the end, Mum got a “friend” of hers to drive me to the house and drop my stuff off – but I’ll never forget the terrifying speed he drove up the road and when the tyre burst and the car nearly lost control.
Insane, I know, but the man managed to reach our destination unharmed…
To make matters worse, the keyhole of Mum’s front door was bashed and we had to be careful not to lock ourselves in by the broken “mechanism”…
As Mum spends most of her time wandering through Dublin and rarely pays the bills, the electricity was cut and I had to hurry unpacking my things upstairs and deciding which I was to bring to Galway, and so on.
It was getting later and later – the darkness was looming in on me now, and I could barely see which stuff was which. Immediately I rang Mum complaining and she made a joke about the whole thing: “Oh, it’s getting dark… You better hurry up then!” She suggested I use the light from my mobile screen, and then I just hung up…
Not helpful at all, but then again when was she ever?
The guy who drove me there had left upon arrival and headed back to wherever Mum was, so I was instructed once finished to leave the key under the mat.
However, I couldn’t work the door so I had to climb over the back gate and get out that way.
The whole time I was angry with Mum – she has gone off the rails and hasn’t got a care in the world that her house has gone to shit, and what’s more is that things are bound to get worse. I don’t know if it’s that I deeply care or just find the whole thing disgraceful…!
The following day the same cycle continued, except this time I had some assistance with the help from Lucy, and Mum finally had the decency to drive me over and back.
Weeks later I would have to get busses down to Sligo, to get bits of my stuff at a time (the essentials), and during these periods Mum’s front door was long out of use so I had climbed in the kitchen window, having most of the nosy neighbours look at me as though I were some crafty thief, and again unwrap my bags and put things away.
Anyways that evening when Mum drove Lucy and me to the house, it was unnerving. Her eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, her conversation too fast and loud to keep up and her weight unusually skinny.
As Granny M said: “If your Mother’s not too careful she is going to drive herself into an early grave!”
It worried me, of course, that Mum wasn’t looking after her health…but why should I waste the time being worried-sick if she, herself, doesn’t heed what anyone says to her?
It’s going to sound like a joke but Mum seemed to react to the devastation as a sort of game – once having helped us load the crates and bags into the house, Mum handed Lucy and I torch lights with a dramatic *click-click* and basically left us to get on with it, before heading up to Granny’s a few blocks in the street…
I asked Lucy if she thought I was crazy to be so concerned about Mum and she said no, it’s not, but that it seems as though Mum herself sometimes knows when she’s over-reacting or subconsciously feeds into her sheltered bubble of not having to take any real responsibilities for her actions.
I know that too well on a normal day, but when she’s consuming high levels of substances that distort her rational comprehension, my worries magnify to the point that she could kill herself if he doesn’t stop any time soon!
The thing is, I know the people that Mum associate with don’t really give a hoot about her or her well-being…
They’re too busy being high and just “living for the night” to know what’s good for them.
And yet, these gatherings are the only form of connections she’s ever known, so of course, she might find it “safe” to indulge that kind of company…
To be honest, it’s probably intimidating for Mum to change from that lifestyle and do something that’s really, really good for herself – because all she’s ever known is to fight for the things that she wants and to satisfy the pleasures of her party buddies…
Can this really be a life for a woman who’s unemployed and nearing forty?
I’m not saying this out of judgement towards Mum – I’m actually thinking practically; she isn’t paying her bills, neither is she looking after her home, she’s hardly ever in contact with me and I imagine the girls too, and just looks terribly unwell in her health, too.
How could a decent family member not worry about these things if she herself has gone way off balance and doesn’t see what’s good for her?
Once Lucy and I finished with my belongings, we returned to the car where Mum had awkwardly lost the keys.
I’ll never forget how badly Mum dressed that evening, either. She was wearing a navy, baggy hoody with dragging grey track-suit bottoms, which had drops of white paint here and there. It almost looked part of the design – the drops could be spotted on various positions on the trousers…
Because the keys were out of sight, we spent about fifteen minutes searching for them: in the car, in the house, on the footpath, we feared it may have fallen down the street drain, and finally the boot.
In a fit of excitement, Mum tore through all the bags and found the keys. They must have fallen in by accident, but it was so silly of us not to check the obvious places before exhausting ourselves around the dark house with torch lights!
As Mum drove us back to Cartron, she wasn’t in the least shy to blare the radio volume to max when Bad Romance by Lady Gaga played, and for the first time ever I hated that song…
Mum sang along and kept tugging my arm to join in, and I just looked away irritated. She really knew how to hit a nerve, and even Lucy in the back seat was shocked at Mum’s rudeness.
All I could do was look out the window and keep myself collected, which amazingly I managed…
I said goodbye to Mum by giving her a hug and tried my best to hide from her my tears. Not a moment later she was behind the wheel and gone out of sight.
So after those long evenings of torture, James was so nice as to drive me to Galway each time. He didn’t hesitate; in fact, he kept going out of his way to offer lifts. Under all the pressure and stress, I could hardly refuse…
Please remember that it takes about three hours journey for James to reach me (whether that be Sligo or Galway), and in many ways, I felt guilty because of his extreme niceness.
The first time was admirable – no one I know would travel at such lengths, at such short notice, to see me – but once it became repetitive and sort of a daily suggestion every weekend I began to find it too much. You might say why not take an opportunity, but I’m also not naïve!
Every time during the journey down, James and I both revealed more to each other. It’s only natural to want to get to know, but in those incidences, with Mum, I really just needed to vent.
I didn’t just throw this heavy information at James, mind you. Like I said, our conversations more started out discussing sexual experiences and our history of good moments and somewhat regrets.
You can hardly expect any other attitude on a personal level when the first encounters are about hooking up and exploring ourselves sexually.
But it was when James mentioned seeing this young troubled guy months before who suffered from terrible anxiety attacks and confided in him that he was raped by a relative that I jumped in. He was saying that he pitied the kid and foreseen that he didn’t have much of a chance in life, with suffering from mental health issues and the dysfunctional family…
The guy’s story (well, the one according to James) struck a chord with me so I jumped in through his defence and had no problem admitting to James that I was a rape survivor and that doesn’t mean my future has gone down the drain.
To be honest, I don’t know where my power came from – the words merrily came out – and I hate this perception people have towards rape that “It could never happen to…”
This very thinking is the ignorance that brings people to avoid the possible signs and to be open to the possibility that it could to any one of us!
I argued this point of view to James and he paused for a moment looking straight-ahead, before asking “Really?”
I took a deep breath before finding my voice: “Yes, when I was very young…a few times. I want to forget it, but I know our pasts won’t float off our shoulders that easily. But you know something? I may have been neglected and abused but I’ve learnt to appreciate the lighter things in life, and I know that wouldn’t be the case had I not experienced that kind of loneliness.”
Since this conversation, James seemed to have changed his view of me completely; I wasn’t just a sexual opportunity anymore, and we began to talk sincerely like good friends might.
He even went on to express his dark past to me; how finding his cousin having shot himself to be deeply traumatic and how, through a desperate escape out, James found suicide to be a reasonable way to break free.
Thank goodness he didn’t follow through with the motive, but at the time his perception of mind couldn’t see any way out from the pain.
I felt helpless beside James in the car when he expressed these woes through weeping tears; I could only caress his shoulder and say “Well, look…You’re still here and you haven’t given up. I’m sure your cousin would have been proud if he saw you now… Try not to think about it too much!”
“Oh, I’m fine now. I’ve done a great deal of counselling to come to term with things. Not only the horrible death of my cousin but a lot of things. It was so intensive, actually. My counsellor would have had to spend five hours with me per-session… It was either this or I would have surely killed myself one way or another. It was the counselling and getting through the core of things that kept me alive, and the counsellor has now become a dear friend. There were many nights where I couldn’t sleep and I’d go for a wander outside, let’s say 4 a.m., and I’d ring her up and she’s never hesitated to talk – she was always at the other end of the phone – and to this day I can’t thank her enough for supporting me in spite of the burden I must have been.”
“James, being vulnerable doesn’t make you a burden, it makes you human. You went through something that was purely intense and life-changing; it’s not something any of us can comprehend, especially when it’s family that we love…
Please don’t beat yourself up about anything; it wasn’t your fault, and there really was nothing you could have done.
This was a decision your cousin fell through with himself; nobody but him will ever know what was going on in his mind and nobody can undo the actions any of us make.
I know it’s very easy for me to say this, but it’s true… Think in ways you could live your life fully from today!”
At that moment, James threw his arms around me and held on tight. I guess he needed to feel a sense of security from another human being, and it felt right just to be there in his time of need – as he has so often done for myself…
In many ways, I can see why James found it comforting to look forward to our meets and to explore these enraptured conversations, but I must also confess that it’s suffocating to constantly be entering that vulnerable space of being completely open and almost being “stuck” in the past by reliving it every time it comes into a discussion.
I mean, it's lovely James finally has someone he can load his feelings onto, but I must also be truthful to myself in the fact that I must keep my mind-frame in the present and not become dazed by reminiscing depressing struggles. Contradictory, I say that I know – as in my writing a large portion of the text is reflective on the past – but it’s one thing penning feelings down for inner strength and to let go then to be reminded when you’re around other people…
I can’t explain why that is: when I’m with myself and “spiritually awakened”, I see confronting old demons (in my head!) as a way to forgive my human self and to learn how to live and experience present moments fully with joy and true emotion; not driven by old energies that drain me and exhaust my attention span.
James is a dear soul and he has no intention on bringing me down, but from observation, I actually feel sorry for him because he’s lived the majority of his adult life meeting the needs of others (sound familiar?) and he’s never given himself a moment to ask what he wants.
As a young man, James rashly jumped into a marriage with a woman who would later prove to be the dominant figure in the relationship and calling the shots, had four (?) children, and lived the majority of this time working on the family farm and living in quite a desolated rural area in Northern Ireland.
To make matters even more complicated, as a profession James is a principal of a Catholic primary school and working in the education field was always something he was passionate about, until his newly found sexuality caught up with him…
A more liberal-minded friend might advise not caring of impressions, not caring of society’s prejudice and simply doing whatever makes a person happy…
Unfortunately, James’s circumstances give little room to indulge these ideas.
In the eyes of the world, he’s seen as a respected educational figure, the perfect father of his children and an overall good influence of his many relatives and connections.
It’s not surprising that the divorce of his wife wasn’t a big blow for James, as it was a relationship destined for failure when the conflict became too often of a thing and alcohol abuse becoming too tense of a surrounding for the kids to bear, with James often away at work for long periods of time.
On a lighter note, it wasn’t a relationship meant to be…
Not only is this an issue but there’s also the stress where James has to pay off court bills, which his ex-wife brought against him for financial gain.
I don’t really know the formalities or agreements on paper to be made in a law sense (as to why James has to pay these threats), but perhaps it was down to the shared property.
Anyways, I don’t really know the full story to pass on judgement in any form, and like all of us, I’m sure his ex-wife has her own reasons that led to such outbursts.
I say this because it’s important to keep an open mind…
Besides, the point of me mentioning this is down to the fact that James feels he can forget the titles people put on him and be his free self in my company.
I can’t imagine why, but it’s sweet of him to say nonetheless. To be honest, I’m not at all transfixed by James, and I told him so: “You remember saying we should always be completely honest with each other?”
“Yeah, of course…” “Well, it’s great you’re so loyal to me and give me lots of attention, but you know I don’t feel as strongly towards you as you might for me… I always want to make sure that you understand this. I’d hate to think you’d fall in too deep and get hurt… Let’s not get carried away and be mindful of the present moment!”
I know it sounds ridiculous that I would assume James to be in love with me, but he genuinely is infatuated with the idea that he’s never felt this way towards anybody else.
“I know you don’t love me, Jay. That’s completely fine. I know one day you’ll find the person of your dreams.
But for now, I enjoy our time together… I look forward to it every time; I’m like a puppy given its treat when you show up. But yeah, I respect you don’t feel the same and will try to keep things under control!”
Although James said this, his actions showed otherwise… Around the Halloween break, it was “planned” that James would pick me up in Sligo and drive me to Galway on the Sunday.
However, a time wasn’t yet arranged and this is where things became difficult. The night before I had spent the evening with Lucy in Cartron (she had only just moved in) and I didn’t expect for us to do an all-nighter of movie watching…
I woke up around noon to find many aggressively pushy texts from James. For me, this was a first – so of course, I was bewildered. He began by saying that he had arrived outside and then he grew very impatient once he didn’t receive a response from me…
Do you ever get that vibe where you just can’t be bothered feeding into negativity and remain passive as a result?
This was one of those moments for me.
James, however, wasn’t convinced. He clearly couldn’t see why I would go silent (I was shocked he would act so impulsively and show up at the doorstep without asking first).
I told him just as much and “kindly” turned down his offer to drive me. James went on to rationalize many of his reasons for showing him unexpectedly and argued that he had done no wrong. Then he just left (or so I thought!) in a huff…
When it was near 4 p.m., Lucy walked with me to the bus station. I was having one of my lazy days and just wore my blue track-suit.
Anyways, as Lucy and I were passing the Cartron Bridge, we walked arm-in-arm chattering about the enjoyment she’s experiencing in her Horsemanship Course, and suddenly I bumped into a figure in front and looked to apologize.
Who did I see but James staring through me like I was his won prize!
Instantly I was flabbergasted but did my best to contain myself in order.
Amazingly, I just passed him then saying “Hi” rather softly and kept Lucy in my grip as we sauntered on…
Occasionally, I would look behind to find James stalling; gazing in our direction with his hands in pocket.
Lucy was so entranced by thought that she didn’t notice a thing, which was just as well!
Just as I was about to line up and enter the bus, I turned back to hug Lucy goodbye when I could see James standing awkwardly at the bus station entrance…
What was he playing at?
After annoyingly telling me he left, James up and surprises.
I can’t even describe my reaction – I was too stunned to gather my thoughts…
One thing is for sure; this was one of those moments where James overstepped my boundaries, and he knew this was the case! He just stood there, pretending to be looking at something in the distance and had a frown on his face… What was he expecting…for me to run over into his arms and let him pull a stunt like that?!
No, this kind of behaviour felt disturbing for me and passively threatening because of the way he clearly dismissed my wishes and very much disrespected my personal space; despite the fact that I told James I preferred to travel alone by bus…
Why wasn’t this enough for him to accept?
These are times where I find his personality overpowering for my sake, and I accept that naturally could be because of our age gap. But what if it isn’t?
Can it not simply be that James entered territory when it wasn’t wanted?
Does it make me a selfish person that I ignored his glances there and then, and went on the bus undefeated?
I can’t explain it but my instincts spoke that James’s actions were unneeded, especially when he was then insistent on beckoning me over to his car as I watched out from the window. I shook my head meaningfully and just found the whole situation to be maddening!
Inevitably, the bus slowly rode off to Galway and it was an upsetting journey for me as I contemplated the whole incident with James in my head. I mean when I read his warm gesture to drive me, I could easily have gone to him…
But, then again, I also know if done so James would make it a repetitive pattern and no moral principle would be learnt…
I want him to see that I also prefer my solitude; I’ve spent my childhood feeling like a loner – I don’t know if that’s why I keep my distance from people – but my safe harbour is in feeling in control of my life and still being able to connect with the inner me on a soul level!
Once I got to Galway I would keep a few days to myself before talking things out with James.
The thing is, whenever the issue is brought up, he refuses to heed my complaints and always states that he “Acts out of care!” So, of course, Jason needn’t argue with that, and should always be grateful for his “Countless effort”…
And I don’t mean to sound sarcastic, because I do indeed appreciate all that James done and does for me; he knows this too well… But I find myself hesitant anymore to reach out because there’s this attitude of: “What’s in it for me?”, although beforehand James goes out of his way to offer support with a willingness to do it…
I get that things are a two-way process; it’s all about give or take – and many nights I’ve compromised my time to be with James in Sligo, when really I should be visiting my sisters, grandparents or even giving Lucy the time of day – as I’m staying in her bedroom after all, during these visits to Sligo… I’ve explained this to James during an evening’s drive in his car, and again his answers were “…I know, Jay, but I really needed to see you!”
And so I become that intrigued by his company, the vulnerable presence takes over, that I nearly forget my tongue and choose to leave things aside…
He would get lost in my embrace, nestling his face into my chest, illuminating me by his smooth charm, as I lay back and numbly let it all happen.
James would tell me more about his “masked” life and I would share my fears towards the upcoming court case…
And you know what?
Despite what a pain he can be from all his clingy behaviour, he gives wonderful advice and comforts me during these deep lows that I find myself experiencing.
He says that I have “worldly” potential, that I will overcome all these pitfalls and come out the other end with a strength that will serve to help people. At this stage in my helplessness, all this praise that speaks of sounds crazy; in spite of the amazingly sweet essence, he means in trying to pick me up… He certainly achieves the uplifting if that helps! : )
Another thing that holds me back from staying angry at James is the fact that he is so inexperienced in relationships and, as far as I know, rarely has had to face rejections.
I imagine he’s usually so used to being a giver, that people he revolves around just offer their compliments and show thanks. The reason I know he lacks this knowledge is because he’s only ever had the one marriage with his ex-wife to commit to, and he hasn’t explored a variety – through seeking an appreciation for differences in people’s personalities and intentions!
I say that because in experiencing those highs and lows of relationships, we come to mature within and ultimately become even better lovers with the right match.
And I honestly think any “perfect” romance was never meant to last forever – it’s all about a time and place in our emotional growth!
The problem we have at the moment in our generation is that we cling so tight to one person out of fear in ending up alone, and then there’s also that true aspect where we humans choose to stick with those types we’re familiar with and leave ourselves to bath in our comfort zones…
What I’m trying to say is that we should embrace change and the unknown, familiarize ourselves with things outside our “reality” bubble and to keep an open mind – because in knowing that it’s all a circle of life and a process of creation, do we feel confident in the realization that we’re never truly alone! :)
James is a dear friend and he means well – but I’m also confident that the man has lots yet to experience and realize, and I, myself, have a lot going on in my personal life to figure out… I’m only one wandering soul, and I know there is also much to appreciate in times of solitude and having moments to reflect and be self-critical.
Come to think of it, we are very different people – and that’s good!
It’s nice to have his friendship, but we’ve lots to talk about before James can accept that this is all that I want.
Yours, Jay.