Wednesday, 18th November 2016
Dearest Friend,
In college, we were given an assignment in photography to take pictures on landscape. The theme was called “Along the sea”.
The task was to take pictures and show interpretation, using camera settings and techniques to upgrade our marks…
I bought a new Nikon camera here in Galway City and set out to complete my duty, using such areas as here and Sligo as locations along the sea.
Unfortunately, on an academic scale, my first attempts weren’t enough because by using the basic Nikon camera it didn’t have the professional techniques in manual settings to cause effects and change ISO Level; so with that, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and leisurely enjoyed taking photographs of fine scenic areas around these spots… It was especially helpful to have Lucy’s artistry eyes!
While we’re on the subject of Lucy, I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned her gifted talent in drawing… She can pierce an observer’s watchful eye through her visual capabilities.
Lucy doesn’t so much draw figures from imagination but actually can sketch “Still Art” as well as draw people with the cleverest pieces of detail.
It’s as though there were life and emotions going on within a given piece; each sketch would have their own story to tell… Repeatedly, throughout the years, educators, as well as myself, would have encouraged Lucy to go on that route as a pursuing academic/career, but in our state economy and recession people are forced to think “practically”…
It’s quite a pity because since the late end of our school days Lucy has more or less given up the enthusiastic will to draw and has become more lackadaisical as a result of little distraction in her life.
I’ve also been surprised to learn that Lucy has fallen to a deep depression, and it’s hard to watch because it’s like seeing my own reflection playing tricks on the fact. Nevertheless, when I have the time to visit Lucy I make the effort to hold a cheerful exterior – and I know this attempt works mutually.
Because of that, we’ve neither the time for crying spells, brooding or even a moment to be selfish with these wretched emotions; for we’re so caught up in our giddy jokes and lively conversations to care.
And it’s nice…it’s very nice to share our company and be a positive force for each other.
But there’s one thing I find uneasy and that’s knowing the transformation in Lucy as soon as I’ve gone…
She’d become so mute for days – rarely does she keep up regular text messaging and if that happens it almost seems forced on my part; it’s easy to see from the way Lucy tries to keep a formal composure that the communication is a difficult reality.
I’ve concluded with the assumption (an obvious observation on my part) that Lucy misses me when I’m away, and it’s a sad grip for me to acknowledge that I’m her only true friend… Not that I’d have many dear confidants of my own – not at all – otherwise I wouldn’t be confiding an imaginary correspondence of letters to a “dearest” of my own…
But, it’s a harsh gulp of reality to swallow, knowing that people as good and kind as Lucy should undergo loneliness and not receive better treatment from people on her course.
I know she’ll always have me to back her up, but it’s just a pity… On second thought (an even more unnerving possibility), what if Lucy were the one to be isolating herself? It’s to be expected from a depressed person, but I can tell Lucy longs for acceptance.
In all probability, it is her anti-social anxiety that inhibits this longing from being noticed.
Anyhow, I’m not all that perfect in my own social circle but it is because of deep care that I worry for Lucy…
Ultimately, she deserves better involvement from people but that’s enough said on the subject!
So, as I was saying, Lucy and I had great fun venturing through the lakesides of our Sligo town, fulfilling a now imaginary task – which, really, was to keep our spirits up and minds steadfast.
On an odd occasion, particularly as I was gazing about (lost in the natural beauty that is the Back Avenue), Lucy would take sneaky photographs of me without my noticing.
Observing the results later made me laugh so hard!
As I mention the past you should know that a great deal of things has changed within the connected relations of my family. What I mean by that is a feeling I get from distant treatment; a “low-key” communication that people such as Granny M and Mum would occasionally have towards me. I’m nearly sure that this given attitude isn’t delusions of my own…
I think because my main support is from the state and social workers my family may feel I “betrayed” them with having admitted the fact of abuse and neglect at home, and now there is still that question of “why?” on their minds…
It’s pitiful because it’s really no fault of my own.
When they think like this, what’s really bothering them is how their reputation might be affected; not really the damage done to minors.
Another aspect, which is one I’ll respect from anyone who hasn’t suffered child abuse, is the lacking of comprehension and the long road of denial – it’s much easier to isolate an individual through problems than to support it…
To be perfectly honest, it’s often the unsaid guilt and the often passivity in my relatives that more infuriate me.
Can’t they see with sensitivity of the emotional harm that has impacted on our hearts (by that I mean my sisters and me), and not simply delve into unnecessary answers of the sexual acts done against our will?
It’s no exaggeration when I say that “whenever all is out” that it’s mostly in the parents/guardians focus that they get to “the bottom of things,” though all they bring to the table is a bigger mess from the aggression and irrational blaming.
In the end, it is the victim throughout all this torment that becomes left in the shadows to pick themselves up from despair – and often it is not so much that they pick themselves up but actually, it’s that they’ve trained their minds to almost forget; to stop themselves from sinking lower into a more painful killing within.
Youngsters who haven’t endured incest abuse mightn’t possibly understand what I’ve just told you; the fact that there are certain children who go without the deriving love of their parents and suffer silently in the effects of rape – not simply the horrific act did onto them but also the incomprehensible trauma of having that done from someone within the family circle, who should have been relied on to support and nourish them…
That’s the hardest part for sure…trying to comprehend something which, by all accounts of logic and emotion, should never have been done in the first place.
And what do we learn?
Well, as hard as it is to accept, not everyone can be trusted, not everyone is as understanding as we’d sometimes hope and the world can often ignore us in our struggles…
However, looking on the other side of the coin, we might ask ourselves: “What are the benefits of overcoming abuse?”
Well for one, there is nobody more real and humane than somebody who can come forward and reveal their most vulnerable side, especially when it’s battling our deepest fears and speaking of our truths with unknowing results.
Secondly, in most cases, survivors of sexual abuse make empowering leaders and have a natural gift to heal others with their stories relating to challenges and “coming out”…
And lastly, by my observation, I can accept that its true crowds and friends feel a presence of love and security (purely human) from rape survivors, especially when it relates telling their stories with such vulnerable haste and having a respected humbleness about them!
In spite of these grand acts of motivation, what we’re dealing with when we discuss sexual abuse is the loss of free will and unimaginable pains; emotional wounds which can be felt much longer after the physical torture has been inflicted.
So, it’s truly an experience dealing with questionable guilt (survivor), moral corruption (perpetrator) and overall complete sorrow for all involved (the abused, family and friends).
Certainly not a pleasant happening…but I speak of “positive” aspects as a way to enforce moving forward, leaving the shell of self-pity or allowing for the abuser to win over emotionally; so by seeing a purpose in the survival after-effects do we truly prove to have the strength of willpower and control in our lives, completely and totally in our decision-making. When I speak of benefits, I never would suggest that abuse happen at all – but knowing that it does, and quite often throughout the planet, gave me the urge to think of possibilities for people who have been where I have and gone through all those waves of emotion and depths of despair…
So the real question is: “Where do we go from here?”
Believe me, I wish I had the answers that could compass our hearts in the ideal direction, but as you know even now everything is still very raw for me.
So all I can advise is: let life and its daily opportunities shine the way, for only then can we make up our mind when we’re ready to let go; to accept the cruel facts and leave them at bay, where they so belong… This can only be possible in our own good time, through healing and allowing universal love to surge through aimlessly!
Since I mentioned family somewhere earlier (not too bitterly I hope!), I might add that Lucy and I visited Granny M recently.
At first, all was well; we talked merrily about our week and to do and then Gran showed a particular interest in my new camera and made praising comments about the photographs Lucy and I took.
Following this, Gran pleaded that I buy her the same camera and she would give me back the money later on when she could. Unfortunately, because I’m on a student budget and paying a high-level rent, I couldn’t follow through with Granny’s proposal. This escalated into a somewhat petty argument; Gran felt the reason I couldn’t follow through with the buying was out of lacking trust in her, and I attempted to reassure her that I simply couldn’t afford it at that minute.
I did, however, offer Gran an alternative; I could someday use her bank details (under her permission of course!) and go ahead and help her buy the camera through online delivery.
If anything, this suggestion brought Granny and me further from compromise… She reminded me again that she would give all the money back and could I not understand and do as she asks…
Gran looked to Lucy and attempted to “rationalise” further her reasoning, and basically made me look dopey by not following through.
Lucy said she understood how someone could easily go out of their way to buy an item but added with emphasis to my view that only with the amount to afford it.
Granny must think because I’m receiving financial support from Aftercare and social welfare that I’m sky-high rich – I’m anything but under her illusions…
Actually, I save the remaining of my spending and keep within a budget in terms of my weekly money rate; for it’s to keep me disciplined from becoming reckless and squandering it all… Anyways at the time Gran didn’t see it that way and kept thinking it was out of distrust that I enforced this view…
Sometime later I received a smack of a message on Facebook from my Aunt, who lives abroad and who I rarely see.
She said: “Jay, I spoke to Mam today and she was talking to me about how she asked you about the new camera you had and could you get her one, and you himmed and hawed and said no. And before she asked you about getting her a picture of Paul Walker via text and that was a no too… As much as you and Lucy go up to visit and as much as Mam does for you and Lucy via taxis, home etc. and her always open door policy and hospitality…
It would be nice if you could also try to honour her small requests…because I know she doesn’t have many. She won’t tell you these things bother her but she tells me and it bothers me!”
The morning I received that message I sat up in bed and tried to figure out in my head how Lucy and I possibly gave ill-treatment or disrespect towards Granny in her home…
The truth of the matter is: we were always polite and well-mannered, cheerful in conversation and offering every bit as comfort during our visits.
The whole incident with the camera was a petty misunderstanding in all parts and shouldn’t have been ushered further.
I mean financial low should always be a consideration to any logical person and Granny needn’t have bickered with her daughter about me in the gossiping way that she did.
I would have appreciated more if Gran had called me over the phone and discussed the dispute further like mature adults, ready to give in to the balance of our reasoning’s.
But no, dismissing my reasons like that and then my aunt, completely out of the contrary, jumps in and gives me the moral lecture of my “wrong-doings”…
Not exactly considerate, is it?
Anyhow, I’m not so bogged down about it all anymore because I know the bickering was simply an utterance of something purely superficial and off-topic.
Someone asks about buying a camera and the person approached can’t yet afford the product: simple as that…
But no, some people can’t take no for an answer and hint at any and every other flaw they can think of insight; so as to not look ridiculous in their own reasoning…
I love my Grandmother, I truly do, but I must admit that our elders sometimes have such old fashioned ideas and thrive to have everything in their reach.
I mean this from a social standpoint. The truth is: my Granny wanted the camera really because it appeared fancy and might “wow” her connections, not because she needed it…
Anyway, I’ve said enough for one day.
I hope onto paper I’ve made a bit of sense!
Yours truly,
Jay.