January 02, 2021


Dear Diary, on the 31. I met Knight. It was nice to see her, but I am super miserable since. She got me one of her favorite games, Rune Factory 4 for the switch. And I gave her my draeing with the steam gift card in turn.

Then it was clear that she didn't want to spend time with me at all. We immediately went to the other side of the station to wait for my train. (I rode to her hometown via train) When a train came that wasn't mine, she already said goodbye to me even thouh mine didn't come until another 15 minutes. I'm bot mad at her or anything, I mean I am glad that we got to meet at all, but it would have been nice to spend some time together at least.

Since then I've been in a sad mood. It feels like nobody cares about my feelings. I've wanted to have a girlfriend for years and years and years now and I haven't gotten a single step closerm. All I do is give my care away to others and I barely get anything back (Again I'm not forgetting Knights present  it's just that spending time with her would mean even more to me) And yesterday Belle phoned me again because the new wife of her father said something mean to her. She was crying at the beginning and I managed to calm her down. Again I like doing that, I just wish she would be there for me the same way and not dismiss my problems as unimportant, because "having a relationship is unimportant"

I hate that so much when people say that to me. It's so hypocritical. Especially from women who can have all the relationships they want. It's like rich people telling you that money is unimportant in life.

They never show any care to men, because they know they don't have to, we are interested in them anyway. It's so unfair. I once believed that love was something mutual, but everything I experience is one sided. There is never anything coming back for what you give. You want the most basic things like a loving hug, but you are never going to get it, because the other side has no interest in you whatsoever.

I'm convinced again that women have no attraction to men at least most of them. They don't like us physically, they never give us compliments, they never ask us out. They made up these nonverbal signals, but also never show them to us. They know they don't need to do any of that, because men are just worthless to them. I know I'm getting into incel shit here, but that is what so devious about incel philosophy. It feels like it's right, because it describes what is happening to you and how you are never going to find anybody. It's probably all false and women are not that way or have completely different reasons, but it FEELS that way.

The asking out thing is what makes me the most furious. It's just not fair there is no way around it. Women want to be equal to men, so they should behave like it too and not rely on their higher market value and the same rituals they have tried to escape from so long. It's fine that they don't need men, but maybe men need them. And men should stop pretending like everything is fine or believe that this is just how it is. We have to fight for our rights to feel loved too.