Dear Diary,
I woke up at 7 am to a rumbling stomach as i didnt have anything heavy for dinner last night. The typhoon keeps the weather at bay making me feel quite melancholic due to the cold breeze and rain pouring. I love having music with me during these times, and would usually have some coffee, however, i quit drinking coffee about two months ago, so i grab some warm milk and put it on my bedside table.
I opened my diary only to realize how much ive poured out a lot of negative things out to the world. It seemed like I rarely write here when im happy. I asked myself too, is it because i rarely write or is it because i rarely feel happy. This doesnt make me think deeper though. I am aware of how things have been feeling a bit too heavy for me recently. In my mind, I owe it to myself to be able to just feel these emotions, very often do I run away when i encounter problems, but this time i try my best to solve them at least one step at a time. If theres anyone who i shouldnt really be cruel towards, it's myself.
I do fathom a lot whether people see me as someone a bit too caught up on myself, too self-centered, too selfish per se. When its embedded in your culture to be family-oriented, it's hard to be too much of an independent. Its hard to put yourself first as you have to share everything with everyone. Your family has to know your plans, your failures, and if you dont tell any of them, it can be taken personally. These are some of the reasons why I dream of having a house, just to myself; maybe an apartment will be fine. For so long all I really wanted to be was my own person. People will see me as a young one, who thinks she knows everything, but hey, maybe i am- not denying that.
I just want to experience starting something up on my own, after earning from my job (which, i do have a job now), paying my bills, having space to myself. I just dream for everything but then reality slaps me in the face and i remember i have my mom who i have to provide to, the debts from the last school i attended to, my dogs who i have to provide food and all. In any case, maybe im saying this because all i really want is someplace to grow into, just alone. I love being able to take care of my dogs, but in the case with my mom, i feel like i have to be the best, she knows i dont really have bills to pay right now so she expects that i could help her financially whenever. It feels more like an obligation to me sometimes that im too scared to be broke.
I just really want a new start for myself. Maybe 2021 can help me work harder and get past these challenges. Cross fingers.