Dear Diary,
So I emailed Ryan today and within the hour, I get a response from him that says "Leave me alone and don't ever contact me again!"
How awesome is that! I have tried not to think of it much today but I couldn't stop crying earlier. What an ass!!! Pretty shitty of him! It is also incredible hurtful, especially after everything we have been through and he is family. He can be really hard to love sometimes.
So, we will call him Jerry, is still liking the more physical side of things. It is progressing too much. I have told him to tone it down but for whatever reason he either forgets or just doesn't care. I told him if it happens again I will leave and I think he got the message that time. I also told him to not come over when I am already sleeping because I am out with Vicodin and really don't wake up until it wears off. He thought it was funny. Ugh, seriously?!
I should charge way more. But he is providing free room and food. I get to stay in this nice old farmhouse with cable TV. I really can't complain much. But with the bruises, it is getting to be too much. I am not that big of a person at all and he is starting to really hurt me. Not just like red marks but bruises that are not really going away very easily.
I am still so upset about Ryan. I don't know what is wrong because a week or two ago, he wouldn't stop messaging me and talking to me. Now I must be a disease or something to him. He has mood swings that I can barely keep up with anymore. I hope he is okay. I love and worry about him.
This place is kind of lonely at times. I try to stay busy and I am enjoying all the quiet time and that I don't have to worry about a place to stay but it is lonely at the same time.
He does have a computer though so writing these entries is a lot easier and quicker.
I get bored so all I do is get high most of the day and wait for Jerry. Eating and sleeping usually happens too. Showering too! I think I have actually lost some weight which seems weird since I am eating quite regularly now since there is a fully stocked kitchen on hand.Maybe that is in my imagination but my jeans did feel a little looser than they were a week ago.
I need to quit complaining, this is actually a relatively good gig besides the pain. He also can weird me out at times.
Kemper emailed me again today and wanted to know if I needed anything and if I was okay. I told him I was fine and that I was okay. Which is the truth. I feel fine and I am okay. I don't think he would be necessarily happy about the bruises and getting high all the time.
I don't know what to do anymore. One minute this seems like it is okay and then the next I am flashed straight into a panic state and can barely breathe. I don't understand why that happens. Quite frankly, this doesn't really affect me and it is easy to just leave myself when it is happening but when that panic state happens, it is all I can do to not scream and try and push him off of me or stop whatever is going on. I usually end up crying too. It happened once already and he thought it was part of the act, Haha, uhm no!
Since being here, I have put a lot of things on hold. It is just nice to relax and not have to think about things too much. It feels kind of nice to be able to do that. Although I think the Vicodin is relaxing me so much that I just don't think much anyway.
I am starting to nod off already from it so it is probably time to crawl into bed. I love the melting feeling when I crawl into bed. I feel like I am on a cloud