Dear Diary,
I had a chance to talk to my cousins just 30 minutes ago. These late-night discussions are honestly quite genuine and I like being able to do these with them every once in a while.
Slowly and carefully I pour my heart out one by one. It was like walking through thin ice. These were people who had different mindsets running through themselves with very different ways of coping. Everything was going well when plans about next year came up and i deliberately told them my thoughts, saying im not really looking forward to next year, and that im very scared of a lot of things right now, maybe its because im not sure of a lot of things. The uncertainty really has been weighing on me anyway.
A bit of backstory, me and my cousins are of the same age. I was supposed to be in college now, not working, but i am. While the two of them are about to be freshmen in college next year, theyre both still studying. We have talked about how I should really finish college and all that. But you see, finances are a problem to me. One of my cousins is evidently underwhelmed when she heard me saying how uncertain I was about whether i should continue working or study while working, or leave work and focus on studying. So I asked her about the program she was taking for College. She answered saying that she didnt like the program she was taking, but at least she had goals-meaning she would get on that program, and finish college no matter what. That felt like a very conscious blow to me. But I didnt mind.
Afterwards they blabbed about this reality tv show and how people earn money and opportunities just by exposure. We laughed it off as one of them talked about this specific person, who was supposedly a straightforward one. One of my cousins agreed the guy was great and genuine. While the other cousin (the sneakily bitching one) disagreed saying, the guy was great, but he backstabbed a lot, which was not good according to her. I countered back saying, I dont really mind backstabbers, I mean, people judge others all the time, we all have done it. In my eyes, people judge what they dont understand. Ive done it with one of my cousins anyway, who was fully aware that ive done it to her hearing me say those words. But the sneaky cousin was evidently not satisfied with the answer I gave and probably furrowed her eyebrows. I wasnt looking though and I had no intention in taking back my words.
In my head right now thinking, we people should really stop trying too hard to put out an image of us being fixed acting like we have it altogether all the time. I shouldnt pacify myself but i was a perfectionist before too, i had to learn how to make mistakes and learn to laugh at them. We all are a walking chaos within our bodies. If theres anything we should stop doing, its to stop acting like were clean, we can be hypocrites most of the time, we can judge people because we all do that. Right now im just running in my mind the fact that I and my cousins are different people and i respect that. But when a cousin indirectly was telling me and assuming that i didnt have any goals just because i wasnt sure of my path right now, that shit hurt, not going to lie. But at least im not pretending that i have it all fixed even if i dont. I am proud of myself and where I am headed.