December 22, 2020

Dear Diary, I feel like an idiot. Today I woke up with a mild feeling of cough in my throat and I was immediately afraid that I had Corona. Worst of all, today is the day I was supposed to meet Knight.

So I had two options, either I could not say anything to anyone and meet her like normal. Or I could tell her that we can't meet today and also make my mom mad by telling her about my light cough.

And I chose the latter. I think it was the morally right thing to do, but I screwed so much up by doing so. This was my one chance to meet her, I had made a drawn picture for her and everything, but now she probably thinks I want to avoid her with an excuse or something. I sent her a picture of the "Merry Christmas" part and I hope it makes her at least a little bit happy.

Also my mom reacted really negatively, like it was my fault and then basically said "Well, we will see" This is why I don't talk about personal stuff with her much. 

Now I just sit in my room, in selfimposed quarantine I guess. Once again I ran away from life, it seems to me. Did I do the right thing or am I just giving in to my anxietys I really can't tell anymore.

When I texted with Belle about it (who also asked me to meet today) she immediately told me to move out when I told her the situation with my mom. But I just can't do that so easily at least not now. You will probably interpret this as staying in my comfort zone and maybe you are right, but thats just how I am. It's really hard for me to accept change in my life. Am I an autist after all?

I just ruined everything didn't I? Is there any way to fix my life without drastically changing myself?