Dear Diary,
I started reading the next book in the Vampire Chronicles series last night, Queen of the Damned. I think this Kindle has enabled me to read too much. (Is there such a thing?) I lie here in bed and live my life through books.
Kemper asked me why it is that I don’t want to go home. It was a very long discussion and hard to pinpoint exactly. He asked if my parents were abusive in any way and of course not, not at all!!! He didn’t understand why then if they weren’t abusive.
It is me, I’m the one that is screwed up in the head. I can’t be home because I can’t hide from my mistakes in life. They are right there in front of me and the looks of disappointment in my parents face is more than I can handle. I have hurt everyone beyond repair.
I wish Ryan was home, I wish life went on before they found out. I didn’t like when I was being hurt but that wasn’t all the time.
I’m crying now from it all!
While I don’t blame myself for my parents divorcing, I feel like Ryan and I contributed to it. More myself than him. Maybe mom wouldn’t have had the affair if I didn’t have Jax. It is something I think about often.
I am always thinking and worried about Ryan. When I told Kemper about that he just stiffened and looked mad but didn’t say anything.
I need Ryan in my life! He has been a constant in my life or at least until he was kicked out of the house. I could always lean on him when life was too much which was often. I miss him and love him so much it hurts! I don’t think Kemper will ever understand that.
I hope Ian is doing okay. He told me once that this time of year is hard for him, I’m right there with him on that one. I hate this time of year! I haven’t heard anything from him at all for a few days, I just hope he is okay.
Kemper said that we actually might be in Montana before Christmas since I’m almost ready to travel. It will be nice to get out of this bed! It will also be weird to be back. Kemper said I could take his bed again and he would sleep on the futon in the extra room. I tried insisting that I would take the futon inside but he said that wasn’t happening. It seemed pointless to resume talking about it so I agreed.
Kemper is doing a few things today for the club. It kind of amazes me that no matter where he is, he is expected to do things for them, whoever they are in the club. He didn’t say what exactly but he said that he would talk to me more on how much I will know about things which I guess is very little to nothing. He said that is for my benefit. 🤷🏼♀️ It makes me a little cautious with him.
I’m getting tired again, going back to sleep. Maybe I will wake up and have an email from Ryan.