Dear Diary, I haven't written in quite some time. It's not because I was very busy, more of the opposite really. Nothing is happening in my life. Germany has entered another hard lockdown and we are strongly discouraged to leave the house at all, except for the basic needs. Also my ear was inflammed, but now it's better.
How am I feeling? Neither very bad nor that good. I worry about my future a lot. I lost a whole year now, it feels to me. About a year ago I started this new studying subject. My main goals were to find a girlfriend and get more time until I have to find a real job, which I dread. I've done every job in my life very diligently, but I feel like I will never be ready to do a "real" job, one that will be big enough to cover my whole life. And I also have no idea what that job is supposed to be. I studied something useless on purpose soI didn't have to think of my future job. Maybe I am a useless lazy person I don't know. But the point is I'm not closer to any idea what I want to do with my life than a year ago. Will there even be any work for someone like me in a post Corona world, where the economy is surely crashing left and right?
I have to finally write that paper too, that I have been procrastinating for so long. There are other writing assignments coming up and I am usually not good at dealing with them in a timeöy manner. It's just that right now it doesn't feel like I'm really studying anything. I just sit in front of my computer and watch people on zoom for a few hours, thats it. How am I supposed to get any ideas from that?
In these times I've been thinking mostly about really silly things. For example Aerith from Final Fantasy 7. The newly released Sephiroth DLC for Smash has brought her into my mind again. There is a new remix of her theme included and it is just wonderful. They managed to make a piece that is very sad in the original rendition sound dynamic and kinda hopeful for a fighting game.
So yeah I love Aerith from FF7 and I kimda dream about dating someone like her. Otakus and their fictional waifus, what a cliche right? Well I feel like Aerith just represents what I wish for. At the beginning of the game she takes an interest in Cloud for really not much reason at all. (Well he is infused with Mako and she is connected to the Life Stream, buuuut that is just a theory)
Cloud is not a very likeable person at the beginning of the game. He is edgy and doesn't let anyone get close to him. Clouds insecurities are a huge part of the game and that is why it means so much more that Aerith is romantically interested in him.
Her character is something special and not special at the same time. She is the last survivor of the ancients of course and connected to the planet itself. This gives her this purity, that natives are ofte portrayed with in fiction. She tends for the flowers in the run down church which together with her house are the only places in Midgard where anything blooms. Midgard is the most corrupted place on the planet, where the Shinra corporation sucks out the planets life and keeps people in slums. Yet still Aerith lives there.
But she is also a "girl next door" kinda character, who takes the initiative on Cloud a lot. When he tries to sneak out of her house, she is already there when he leaves the district. And then there is the whole quest where you have to dress up Cloud as a woman and Aerith has so much fun picking dresses for him. She is not the super innocent girl. I mean she had a boyfriend before Cloud.
I love that part of the game, it communicates so well that Aerith wants to spend time with Cloud and can see through his edgy facade. When I played it I wanted so bad that someone like Aerith would come into my life. A girl who actually wants to spend time with me, hints at feelings for me and is kinda uncorupted from this world that I don't feel like a part of. Yeah, I know that I am imagining a perfect scenario here that is never going to happen in real life, but I can't help it.
In reality all that is said to men is that they have to be this or that to ever find a girlfriend. you have to be that special man. And even though Cloud is special, sinece well he is the protagonist of the game, it doesn't feel like Aerith picks him for that reason. She just likes him. That is it. And I want that. A girl who just likes me, without me having to do check a list of things.