December 18, 2020

Dear Diary,

Hey all,

I'm not sure anyone will read this, but I figured it didn't hurt to just pour out what just happened and my feelings regarding the whole situation.

A smidge about me:

I'm a 21 year old girl (woman? I'm not sure, this age feels kind of limbo to me). I live with my fiancé and our newest addition to our family, Buddy. Buddy is an old tom cat (suspected to be around 12-14),who despite missing quite a few teeth, loves his food very much. I think he's lovely.

But any case, on to what's been happening recently.

For the last decade or so I've felt insecure about my body, as many people can relate to. When my menstrual cycle started at 11 I gained probably 15 pounds in the first year. The problem was I barely grew. My current height is 5'1 1/2 so I'm not exactly the tallest human around. I felt disgusted by my weight, even though looking back I was only 115 pounds. But you know middle schoolers, they can be mean.

I went on to suffer from agonizing periods, I still do, every month. And my flow is heavy, once again making me feel disgusted.

At 17 I was 138 pounds, just slightly overweight. My ex at the time said I should be grateful for him dating a "bigger girl". My doctor then said as one of the short ones I better not gain anymore weight, but didn't tell me how to go about it. That's what the internet is for right? Heh.

Meanwhile while not severe, I had agonizing painful acne on my lower jaw from time to time. I get that a lot more now. And my hair. My hair used to be so thick and full. It used to be long and shiny. It kept thinning through my teens, and even worse from 18-21. In photos I can see bald patches. My hair barely fills a hair tie. I feel so insecure about it I can't stand it. I'm not even sure if it'll come back.

Lastly I packed on so much weight between age 18 and 20.

From age 18-19 I went from 138lbs to 150 lbs. From age 19-20 I went from 150-186.6 lbs.

People are beautiful at every size, I feel like a hypocrite for not feeling the same way about myself. I just feel unhealthy.

My skin gained stretch marks, my hair thinned even more.

I felt ugly in my skin. I still do, but it became emotionally crippling. Combined with lethargy that never goes away, my anxiety was at its peak. I saw my new doctor, received blood tests and ultrasounds. He referred me to an endocrinologist.

My endocrinologist had more blood work done, he also had me get a thyroid ultrasound. Apart from a small nodule on the right side of my thyroid, the ultrasound was normal.

On 12.11.2020 I saw my endocrinologist. Based on my hormone levels and ultrasound he determined I had PCOS. He said some of my symptoms were part of that. The body hair, the lower facial acne, the hair loss, the weight gain.

He prescribed me medication which I'll pick up tomorrow and advised I go gluten and dairy free. I've always been lactose intolerant so I probably should've done that years ago.

It's been only since Monday since I've done the dietary changes, I feel a little better already to be honest.

My fiancé and Buddy have been a blessing. It's been a tough week, I know I've cried more than usual. I feel lonely, but I'm not alone.

And neither are you.

Thankyou for reading if you did. I wish you the best

-Ladylyle

Ladylyle

1425d ago

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