Dear Diary,
I remember one challenging time in my life when I was left drinking alone with my friend thru facetime, talking about our problems after such a long time of not talking. I was outside the door, near the balcony sitting down a small chair having a talk. As soon as my friend thought i was getting a bit too drunk, we had to stop. A lot of things have been messing with my mind then.
As I went back inside, i saw a figure on the dining table. Never realized it was a cousin of mine. We were both the same age. I was still drunk then, at 4 am, and decided that she could use some company since I didn't want to go to bed yet. Her names charlotte. I could consider her as a person as deep as me, were both mysterious-nobody knows us more than ourselves. I tried making rapport as i asked her, what do you think of me as a person? At first she laughed it off and was hesitant. But i had the intention of knowing what really was going through her mind. I wanted to have a glimpse of her, seeing how deep her understanding could get.
She pointed out how i was always okay with everything, that it seemed like nothing ever bothered me. She told me how she was confused as to why i wanted to get away with this life when it all seemed so easy for me. The drowsiness in me lifted above my shoulders as i threw back open-ended questions at her like, really? how can you say that?
We were both quite logical people and I wanted to pinpoint her emotional side. I wanted to unravel what was truly going on in her inner turmoil, maybe because i needed someone to talk to with regards of my emotions as well. As the intense conversation went on it was evident that she was on hot seat and she didnt like it, if she could dodge the questions physically, she would.
All this time i thought we were cut the same cloth, but no, this conversation just proved how we were very much different. I thought since we were quite alike with our personalities, it should come naturally. But no, our conversation ended with me thinking how she wasnt shallow, or anything at all, but it became evident to me how people perceived me as i lived my life. How they think i have it altogether when i dont. I was the type of person to look beyond facades, and maybe at the time, i was trying to manipulate her into revealing her true side to me. But it seemed like this strong exterior she was building for herself, its been ironed for years. Wherever her soft side was, it was too scared to reveal its genuine self; it isnt used to people. I thought she was the type to look beyond facades too, but i was wrong. All she was is a block of hard steel, walking around, looking how others live their lives and observes how much worse it was on her case. She wasnt empathic, she wasnt envious either. But our conversation convinced me that she dreams of having a certain way of living, and that way is so far from her reality thats why she is constantly disappointed. All this time she lives in the present only to hope that in the future, everything will get better. But the thing she doesnt realize is that she cant live like a block of steel to pursue a life that she wants. But instead, she should find that soft side in her again, and nurture that side more. That way, she doesnt have to dream of having another life, because the reality will be more than enough to live her fantasies in.