Dear Diary, I can't do it anymore. Every day is getting harder and I feel like I'm drowning myself in my self-hatred. I just want it to end. I have so much to let off my chest and I've seen some people use this website as a joke but I'm using it as a way to get everything off my chest. I have s much trauma I need to get rid of. I mean like I know what it feels like to starve, to have to steal food to survive. That's something someone my age shouldn't have to experience! Anyway, where do I start? When I was young, and I mean really young because my current age is 12, I was taken from my dad because of family issues. I lived with my mom for almost my whole life. It wasn't a fun experience. I remember she would always fight with my grandma, great-grandma, uncle, and granddad(although I never met him). I get a lot that I am very wise and articulate for my age and that's because as a young girl I used reading as a coping mechanism. I lived with my Greatgrandmother and mom for the most part, and we lived in an old people retirement home. I never really was allowed outside and I had no one to play with or talk to because she spent most of her time smoking in the garage with her friends so I spent every day on an old computer watching youtube, or playing with my toys(which were the chess characters) or finishing a puzzle that I finished maybe a hundred times. Then we moved in with her boyfriend. He sucked, to say the least, he always yelled at me and her, he made me go to bed earlier than my 40-year-old grandma, forced me to smoke cigarettes and not tell my mom, sit in a corner for a whole day without getting up because I didn't want to eat a sandwich, punched the wall so hard a hole was made, nearly smacked my grandma, and made me try to run away because I couldn't deal with it. He went to jail and he now looks like crap so I guess that makes him feel better cause karma got to him. I had to move with my dad(which I didn't even know existed cause I never talked to him). When I got there my mom said it would only be 3 days, which turned into 3 weeks, then 3 months, and it's been 3 years. I also want to mention that my aunt, uncle, dad, and grandma were all complete strangers to me so I hid in a corner crying for the rest of the day. I also got whooped but it wasn't as bad as the second one but ill tell that later. We moved with her girlfriend, Karen, and they had a baby, my little sister Kataleya. They also fought all the time. They would also drag me into it by making me chose who was right and wrong and that caused a lot of drama and screaming. My dad always came home late and drunk. I often babysat my little sister and would distract her when they were fighting. The school wasn't much better, I was bullied to the point I was so insecure I wouldn't show my arms or legs because of my body hair, and every time I was forced to I could start crying( I still have small panic Attacks if ever made too in front of people). A lot of people hated me but I had one best friend, Mulan, and she was nice, smart, and pretty. I don't talk with her anymore which upsets me but it is what it is. Also remember when I told you about my first time getting hit, well we were at a party and my dad was drunk, I was playing with my manipulative (step?)cousin and one girl wanted to play but we didn't like her so we ignored her and ignored when my dad said to play with her. When we got home he played my sleeping sister on the bed and put a shirt in my mouth so I wouldn't wake her and made my WHOLE back a dark purple. After that even hearing his voice, I would start shaking uncontrollably. Our relationship isn't the best but we are trying. My mom wasn't in my life too much, she would pick me up on weekend and ignore me for a month or two then ask if she could pick me up again. We were also in a drive-by where I thought my mom died and I am now still traumatized by anything that sounds like an AK-17. We then moved into the house I live in currently. I went to a new school where I made some friends but it wasn't good at home. My dad would come home stressed and yelling and Karen would yell at him and they would argue then go to bed and wake up like nothing ever happened. That was a constant thing. I made a plan to commit suicide on my 11th birthday that year, I had a plan and death note prepared and everything. That's when December came and gave me hope. She left. In 5th grade, I met London and we were great friends but like everything, I messed up and pushed everyone away due to my being emotionally unavailable and broke one of the best friendships I think I ever had. I also made a stupid decision to tell my manipulative cousin how I felt about my dad and somehow Karen found out so she used that as a way of keeping my little sister away from us and I haven't seen her in god knows how long, maybe a year? I don't know anymore. I am also proud to say I am 2 months sober from self-harm!!I know no one really cares but it's a big accomplishment for me! I really need someone to talk to about my depression and anxiety. It's not easy to handle on my own. I have no motivation and it is so hard to get out of bed, clean my dad's room each day, shower, and eat. I don't even eat anymore. I really only eat one meal. I haven't showered in a while. I have 28 missing assignments. No friends. I am also out to some people as bisexual with a preference for girls but I'm too scared of coming out as being non-binary. If you are reading this then just know that the happiest kid or quietest in your class can be going through so much so don't judge anyone. I have stopped trying to feel happy. Also please, if you are feeling depressed, seek help! Don't hold it in like I did because it will slowly become too much and you'll feel this neverending pain in your chest with constant reminders that everyone you love hates you and you'll never succeed in life. Get Help if you are feeling worthless because your not. I may not know the person reading this directly but I know that everyone was made for something and you'll find your reason to live and keep going soon. Just keep going for me ok? you are so strong, brave, and smart. Omg god, you are so strong and the sad part is you won't realize the beauty everyone who passes you sees. Keep fighting. Youll makes it in life and shows everyone they were wrong. I love you so much and I believe in you no matter your gender, beliefs, sexuality. Have a good night/day and thank you for taking your time for reading this :)