October 12, 2020

Hi. I am Ru. Hope you guys have been doing well.

I mean whoever decides to read this. I'll be me here. Unfiltered. I hope that's okay. I wanted to start doing this since I struggle a lot. And I am anonymous here. Looks like a safe place. Hope it is. I know I am quite old to begin journalling. 21 to be precise. But then days have been bad. Years to be precise. And I don't speak a lot you know. Like how do you tell someone every damn day that your day has been bad. Every day. People don't like hearing sad stuff every day you know. No matter how close they are. Today was okayish though.

I got some work done.

If I talk a little more than usual, laugh and smile, they think I am happy. I just wish one day someone calls me up and says you didn't seem too well. Do you want to talk? I wish one day they say let's talk about your problems. I wish once they say they love me without me asking. I know they love me....I know. But my mind. They do right?

I did something terribly foolish and was embarrassed. I had been suicidal the past few days but I think I am in a safer zone of mind now. Somedays I hope I had a friend like me. Like my friends are beautiful. Beautiful people. But still this loneliness. What do I do of this loneliness. I am trying. And I'll keep trying. I'll not talk to my friends today though. I look forward to that one hour in the night all day. But today,I don't know man. I am embarassed. I don't want to face them. Because that thing would come up. Definitely. I hate disappointing them. I love them.

Maybe I'll watch something and go to sleep.

I hope I choose to stay here. Stay well. Sending love.

Good night.

Song recommendation- 30,000 feet by Ben Rector.

(I'll end this with a song recommendation every night)

-Ru