October 07, 2020

Dear Diary, sorry that I haven't written in a while. I have been in a lot of stress lately and I need to work myself through that. Mainly there is a paper I have been procrastinating on, mainly because I wasn't sure if I even want to write it in that course since I don't know if I will get a good grade. Now I have commited to it amd I have to still write 13 pages in 2 weeks. I know I can do it, but it's always so hard for me to do stuff I don't really want to. And after that I have another paper that I have procrastinated even longer, because I don't have a deadline on it. I have to power through them to have my peace of mind again.

Because of that I have been cutting down on meeting people, without actually accomplishing much more sadly. But tomorrow I will meet a friend who needs to take some books to the library. I just caught up on the manga Black Butler to talk to her with. Great priority when I have more important stuff to do. At least I also procrastinated by working on my job, so that was useful at least.

Belle invited me to a theatre play this friday, but I said no. It is one of those silly comedies. Something about a tennis club having a wacky barbecue. Doesn't sound like something I would enjoy. Now she thinks I'm mad at her, because I don't want to go. Sometimes I really think we are in some kind of para - relationship. Wish it was an actual one, then I couod at least hug her from time to time 😓

I tried to suggest eating something on thursday to make it up, but she just didn't answer.

Also Knight wrote me again yesterday and we had a quite lengthy conversation. She took a long time to write her messages again. I used to think that is because she is into me and is afraid to say something wrong. But now I just think thats how she is. 

I was writing a private entry here detailing how hard it is for someone like me and going into why some advice like "comfidence" doesn't work. It's not finished yet, but I will make it public sometime, have a lot to do right now.

Oh, but something positive happened. I was accepted for the scholarship I tried to get into. So now I will get 300€ every month for a year. I guess the good grades are worth something at least.