September 13, 2020


Dear Diary, sitting in the train again, feeling confused. It was really strange with Belle today. And I didn't get any closer to aking her out.

I was just walking around with Belle again and afterwards we took the train back to the big city near us, because she wanted to eat something.

When the train stopped, she suddenly asked why I wasn't getting up. I said it was becasue she hasn't gotten up either and was putting the cable she used to charge her phone in her bag. It was the last station so we had time.

But she said that I should just get out and that I shouldn't wait for her all the time. And that she was sitting to the window and I needed to get up so she could leave.

I said ok. Honestly I didn't know why this was such a big deal. Why was she so aggresive about getting up in the train?

I really dislike arguments and always feel like I did something wrong, but I honestly felt like I didn't do anything unusual.

Then she was going in a unusual direction to find a place to eat, so she there was a bug street there without traffic lights. I wanted to suggest that we should go a way that is a bit more safe,  but she just went. So I said in a frustrated tone "Why do we have to go over the dangerous street?" And she said "That wasn't a dangerous street for me. Next time just don't go, if you don't want to go. Don't follow me all the time" 

I just said ok, because I had no answer to that. It just irritated me. We were walking together, why can't we just talk about this for a second?

It made me really sad and I couldn't hide it from her. So she asked me what was wrong and we talked about it. She basically said that I should be more independent from ger when we walk and she didn't understand why I didn't just get out when we were already at the station.

I explained my reasoning and that I don't like to get into arguments abput small things like that. She said that she does like it and that it was my problem, that I don't get angry about things like that and just get sad. I apologized but she didn't wamt that either. It was weird but we kind of talked it out.

Afterwards she was pretty normal again, but we didn't hug when we said bye. She just sent me some video on Whatsapp with a 😆 so maybe things are ok.

I get so worried when I argue with people I care about, that they don't like me anymore. And I also feel like maybe I'm not masculine enough for her and she wants a super independent guy who never waits for her and doesn't care where she goes. I just think it's nicer the other way. But maybe I interfered with her independence by doing that? I have no idea.