September 13, 2020

Dear Diary,

Today i heard it again. 

"you should have just killed your son if you can't take care of him"

I tried my best as i can.  To take care of my kids and to give them what they deserve. But to my mother it was not enough. Anything is not enough. 

In the past i heard it too. "you should have just killed your daughter " with the same person.  Back then i held it to my self.  Cried silently and by myself. 

But now i can't.  Many things comes to my mind.  Why?  Why didnt you just killed me back then as well?  You should  just have killed me then so i won't have To feel this way.   I accept every  hurtful words you say towards me.  But i cant to the same when it comes to my child. 

Why am i like this? How many times i looked at the knife to end my life but i always look away to see my child.  My son and my daughter. 

Until when i can fight this?  Until when my kids can save me?