September 12, 2020
PS.
Oh no thinking about the probabilities has triggered the feeling again.
I'm lying in my bed, crying.
I feel like I will be forever alone. Nobody likes me or will ever like me.
Nobody can help me. People will always give the same advice that doesn't help me.
Nobody will understand how much I miss being able to express my love to someone and have intimacy and sex.
It's so normal for them. They do it intuitively since they are teens and I will never do this.
I have no real attractive qualities. At least I don't feel that way amd nobody ever tries to change that.
I mean I'm tall, but that does'nt actually help. And I'm a pretty nice guy I think, but that isn't enough. Lots of people are nice. Who cares?
I'm not entitled to anything. Nothing I can do or be means that I deserve a relationship. I'm completely at the mercy of women and they will never do anything, because that is the only gender role they seem to all like, and I don't blame them. I wish I was in the desirable gender.
Everything people tell me to do feels like I should invade the personal space of women and trick them into liking them. My whole being is screaming against that.
Why can't it just be that you just ask somebody, anybody for affection and it's yes or no and it's not special or anything. But nooooo. Everything has to be seductive extremely romantic and complicated.
The only time you can maybe do that is when you know someone for a long time like with Knight or Belle now. But then they will 100% see you as a friend and you just hurt yourself.
Why do people pretend that all this is not problematic? When aggresive behaviour is forced upon men and everybody sees the negative toxic fruits this has but nobody connects the dots to how men are completely left alone with all this bullshit and no direction.
Some lucky ones get it right but the rest of us falls into extremes of being extremely aggresice or not able to have any love at all. Many of the later picking up terrible beliefs, because this terrible feeling just makes you break.
I will never have anyone. Never. Never Never................................................
T
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