September 12, 2020

 

Dear Diary, a few moments ago I said goodbye from Belle and now I'm sitting in the train.


First we were in a play by a theatre group she used to be in and then we went to the Irish Pub she likes to go to lately.


There were a lot of people at the theatre that she knew, including a few women that she had problems with in the past, apparently because of jealousy on their part. Women often tell me about these strangely antagonistic relationshios they have with each other and so did Belle today. It really aggrevated her.


On my mind was that a guy, after we said we wouldn't go to the home of one of the girls Belle has problems with said that "He thought so" that I would go with her. In a really strange tone.


Belle said afterwards that it sounded like he thought that I was into her. I didn't react much to that. But maybe I should have?


It also made me sad that afterwards she talked about how she explored her sexuality as a teen and how that was normal. I never got to do that and maybe I never will 😥 People don't realize what a huge problem that is and how nobody helps you.


And the guy was talking about his relationships too and I even knew one of the girls he was talking about from the BDSM events. He broke up with her because she always meowed.


He didn't know that she is a pet player and likes to pretend she is a cuddly cat towards men she likes. She probably wamted to go vanilla.


I was into that girl too for a while, so it made super sad that this guy who didn't even know that much about her and how cool she is, had her as a girlfriend and didn't cherish it at all. Also I don't like that guy.


Now I'm really thinking about how to "make a move" on Belle. In ome conversation today she implied that it was normal for her if people just ask each other if they want to make out. Should I do that?


It's so extremely scary though. If she says no, I will have no hope at all again. I don't know anyone else, and I can't meet anyone new for the foreseeable future. And dating apps don't work for me like I said.


I'm thinking about just casually bringing up the possibility of us making out or dating when there is another opportunity like that. The thought alone makes me so scared 😭😭😭


I will destroy everything and will be completely lonely again. I don't know what my feelings will be when she says no. Maybe I won't want to be able to bear to see her. Or she doesn't want to. Ooooooh gooooood, why does it always have to be that way 😥


Sigh. In other news I reached platinum Draft rank in Magic the Gathering Arena today without paying any money. I feel pretty good about that.


And I finshed one of the papers I was working on for uni which stressed me for a while. So thats a relief too.


But the thing with Belle. I just have a bad feeling about this 😶

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